Our Dreams Come True: I Remember

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. A day meant to remember all those babies who were lost all too soon. A day to remember the hearts that were broken, and the dreams that we were robbed of.

When we started trying to have a family in August of 2008 (over two years ago! wow!), we never thought that this would be our story. Never thought that we would have teeny, tiny angels in heaven. Never thought that we wouldn't get to meet, and hold, and kiss our children. But that is part of our story. And as I look back on where we were last year on this day, I find it hard to believe that in a short year we have survived so many things. We survived the passing of Peanut's due date - a date that in the beginning of 2009, brought so much hope and promise. We survived finding out we were pregnant again on Christmas morning, only to have that little baby taken from us a short month later. We survived multiple surgeries and countless tears and sleepless nights. We survived another due date passing with no baby in our arms. We survived the fear of getting pregnant yet again. We survived a rough first trimester with our little Natalie Bug, and we are still surviving to this day. We survived moving and leaving "their" house behind us.

And through all of those things, our two little angels never leave our hearts or minds. We remember them every single day. We talk to them, we tell them about their little sister and our new house. We tell them how much they are missed and how much we love them. We dream of who they would be today. We wonder if our Natalie would still be coming into our lives. We thank them for sending her to us and watching over her and their psycho mommy. And we know that they are a great source of our strength.

Our lives changed forever that sad, sad day in May 2009, when we learned that we could become a part of the Baby-Loss community. But what a community it is. Through our angels, we have met some of the most amazing people, and we have strengthened friendships with people who knew us before we became baby-loss. And while I would give anything to have our angels with us in our arms, I also know that this is meant to be our story. Without those losses, I wouldn't be 25 weeks pregnant today with a little girl who melts my heart each time she kicks my tummy. She wouldn't be blessed enough to have two guardian angels in heaven looking down on her. And we wouldn't know what it meant to love two little things so fiercely, even though we never held them in our arms. I would give anything to have them here with me, but since I can't do that, I wouldn't trade all the things they taught us. Even through the tears, sleepless nights, fears, and worries... even with all the bad we have had, I feel so blessed to have carried each of my angels for as long as I did. I have three children. And I remember and think of each of them every day.

And I remember all the angel babies that are up in heaven playing with my babies each and every day too.

So today, I hope you can take some time out and think of the people in your life who may be a part of this community. It isn't something you "get over." Even if people don't show their hurt to you, give them a hug if you know they have lost a baby today. It will mean more than anything else in the world. Remembering someone's lost baby is a gift that comes so infrequently. And we are so blessed to have such special people in our lives who take our grief seriously, cry with us, remember with us, and cautiously celebrate with us as well.

To Our Peanut and Pickle - you are NEVER forgotten. You are loved every single day. You are missed every day. And we feel blessed every day to have had you, even for a short time. Be nice to each other, take care of each other. We will get to hold you someday. But in the meantime, we hope you know how very much we love and adore you. And thank you for sending us your little sister. We love you so much! Love, Mommy

My Three Babies - two angels, one little soccer player in my tummy: