Dear Sweet Peanut,
I am writing to you today, instead of tomorrow, because I am not sure I will be able to get any words out tomorrow. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of when you left us. Some days it feels like years ago, and some days it feels like it was just yesterday. I still remember that day, oh so vividly.. almost too vividly. There are so many things about that day that I would change if I had the power to, most of all - to make you better and keep you forever.
On that day, one year ago, we said goodbye to you, our first baby. Our little girl. You were with us for 15 magical weeks. You defied odds and lived so much longer than any doctor thought you would. You were such a strong little girl. And ever a happy one. At least that is how I like to think. Every time we saw you on an ultrasound, you always waved your little hand at us.
We were in love with you before we even knew you were coming. The moment we saw the word "pregnant" on that stick, we were puddles of goo for you. We would have done anything for you. But in the end, it looks like you have done more for us. Which isn't the way that life is supposed to be, but we aren't going to take what you taught us for granted.
You taught your mommy and daddy to cling to each other. And we have. We love each other more deeply now than we ever could of before. We have survived together. We have known a love that created a perfect little girl. You have taught us to dream. We had so many dreams and plans for you. Your daddy started working on your room the day we found out about you. You have taught us to hope. I think this has been the hardest lesson for me, but I am getting there. You have taught us how precious life truly is, and what a miracle we all are. And most of all, you have taught us to be better people. To be more understanding, to see the hurt in people's eyes, and to feel their pain with them - because we know what it feels like when people abandon us in our pain - and we won't ever do that if we can help it.
You changed the world in your short little life. You have brought people into our lives that would never be here if it weren't for you. You have allowed people to open up their hearts and lives to us, that would have been too scared to before.
So much has happened in this last year that it is hard for me to even get my brain around it. But one thing has stayed the same, and that is the presence of you in our lives. You are in everything I do. You are everywhere I go. I take you with me, and I try to honor you in everything that I do. You are a constant source of hope and guidance for me - and oh what I would give to reverse our roles! When I am scared, you are who I talk to. When I need hope, I look for you, and there you are.
I would give up anything to be celebrating your 6 month birthday with you. I would do anything to be packing up your little baby stuff for our big move and getting so excited about how we would set up your new room. I would give anything for just one more day with you wiggling inside of me.
But instead, tomorrow we will be sending you (and your little sibling, of course) a note via balloons. Look for them OK? We want the heavens to know how special and loved you are. And on this Memorial weekend - you will be what we are remembering. You will be who we are missing.
A year ago today was the hardest day of our lives. Letting go of you was impossible to do, but somehow we had to. I want you to know that I still know what it feels like to have you inside of me. I still remember seeing your face on that little screen. I want you to know that your picture still sits on the nightstand, and your teddy bear still gets snuggled with. Your name is spoken every day. People know about you. People miss you. But none more than me and daddy. Every day sweet baby. You are loved every day.
Now, be a good girl up there. Be nice to your little sibling and give them lots of kisses and hugs for us. We will be up there someday to hold the two of you, and we cannot wait for that day. But in the meantime, know how much you are loved and missed. And know what a big part of our lives you will forever be.
Good night by sweet baby girl. Sweet dreams...
Love, Mommy
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Crazy Busy Weekend
Ahh - feet are finally up on the couch! It was quite the weekend - it was our last pig roast at our house! This is the 4th year we have done them. For those that don't know - the history of the pig roast started when we moved into our soon-to-be missed house, which just happens to be on 20 acres. Matt and his buddies in the psychology department got the idea the first summer we were here to have a Psychology Pig Roast - and so began the tradition. We had one every summer but last summer (we were in hiding due to immense grief and didn't want to deal with pigs or people...). But we came out of hiding this summer for our last, goodbye pig roast. And it was QUITE the event.
Every pig roast starts with a boys night on Friday (while I am buzzing around the house trying to get all the last minute details ready). They skin the pig (very gross) and rub it in all sorts of spices, then inches of foil. Then of course there is usually poker and beer. This year was pretty much the same, except the boys got a late start and were too tired for poker. And I have the company of one of my bestest friends once she got into town. Her and I didn't really do any work, but sure had lots of good conversations!! Right Court?
Saturday morning a few of the boys came back and dug the hole (yes, we put the piggy in the ground to cook!) along with the pig-master's wife, who just happens to be my college roommate. About an hour later, after getting the coals ready, the piggy went in the ground, and more prepations are done. This year, Matt and David had the great idea (although, at the time I thought it was dumb) to build a Giant Jenga set... it was the hit of the party! And I was pretty darn good at it if I do say so myself! :) So, David and Court came over early and the doggies ran all around, Court made her potato salad, the boys did their boy things, and I putzed around. Then, out of nowhere - this car pulls in to our driveway. I had to do a double take - it couldn't be! One of my other BFFs was pulling into my driveway! But she was supposed to be at home, hundreds of miles away, working the weekend away! Ahh - a site for sore eyes! It was such an awesome surprise, that my hubby just happened to know about for months! I was totally surprised. Unfortunately, her hubby was unable to come. But we tortured him all day with pictures of all the fun he was missing out on.
Around 1:00, people started trickling in and by 4:00 - the party was hopping. There was all sorts of lawn games, Giant Jenga, good coversations, lots of good friends, and people we haven't seen in a while. And, a lot of people who have never been to a pig roast. And both of our families! (Which meant the world to us!) Lots of goodbyes as well.
The piggy came out at 6:00 and the mad dash for dinner began. It was soooo yummy! There was so much food! It was fantastic. Then back to more lawn games, and world domination of Giant Jenga. Once it got dark, our friend brought out his 14 foot inflatable movie screen and mondo-speakers. So, there was beyond-real-life size guitar hero and Wii. It was AWESOME! Those who weren't playing, sat around the bonfire and smore'd it up!
The weather was perfect, there was a great showing of people, and most of my very best friends in the world, and a good chunk of our families were here. What more could a girl ask for?? It was the perfect end (or almost end) to a LONG and difficult month. It was the perfect way to end the pig roast tradition. It was great to have my two biggest supporters in the world FINALLY able to meet each other and for both of them to be here even though they live way too far away. It was great to see some friends who I haven't seen in a long time. Cacthing a theme here - it was great!
And it didn't end there - we had a few people, including Matt's sister and our niece, soon-to-be Dr. Will, and my surprise present Stacy spend the night. We all headed up to a college breakfast spot and met Bill and his fiance, Lindsay up there. Great morning! Came home, cleaned some more, David and Court and Andrew stopped by. Returned cans to the store, continued packing... and now, finally crashing as Matt heads off to watch the finale of Lost. (I am too far behind to watch it yet! No spoilers).
Ahh, my soul feels refreshed. Now, back to packing... or maybe a nap...
Every pig roast starts with a boys night on Friday (while I am buzzing around the house trying to get all the last minute details ready). They skin the pig (very gross) and rub it in all sorts of spices, then inches of foil. Then of course there is usually poker and beer. This year was pretty much the same, except the boys got a late start and were too tired for poker. And I have the company of one of my bestest friends once she got into town. Her and I didn't really do any work, but sure had lots of good conversations!! Right Court?
Saturday morning a few of the boys came back and dug the hole (yes, we put the piggy in the ground to cook!) along with the pig-master's wife, who just happens to be my college roommate. About an hour later, after getting the coals ready, the piggy went in the ground, and more prepations are done. This year, Matt and David had the great idea (although, at the time I thought it was dumb) to build a Giant Jenga set... it was the hit of the party! And I was pretty darn good at it if I do say so myself! :) So, David and Court came over early and the doggies ran all around, Court made her potato salad, the boys did their boy things, and I putzed around. Then, out of nowhere - this car pulls in to our driveway. I had to do a double take - it couldn't be! One of my other BFFs was pulling into my driveway! But she was supposed to be at home, hundreds of miles away, working the weekend away! Ahh - a site for sore eyes! It was such an awesome surprise, that my hubby just happened to know about for months! I was totally surprised. Unfortunately, her hubby was unable to come. But we tortured him all day with pictures of all the fun he was missing out on.
Around 1:00, people started trickling in and by 4:00 - the party was hopping. There was all sorts of lawn games, Giant Jenga, good coversations, lots of good friends, and people we haven't seen in a while. And, a lot of people who have never been to a pig roast. And both of our families! (Which meant the world to us!) Lots of goodbyes as well.
The piggy came out at 6:00 and the mad dash for dinner began. It was soooo yummy! There was so much food! It was fantastic. Then back to more lawn games, and world domination of Giant Jenga. Once it got dark, our friend brought out his 14 foot inflatable movie screen and mondo-speakers. So, there was beyond-real-life size guitar hero and Wii. It was AWESOME! Those who weren't playing, sat around the bonfire and smore'd it up!
The weather was perfect, there was a great showing of people, and most of my very best friends in the world, and a good chunk of our families were here. What more could a girl ask for?? It was the perfect end (or almost end) to a LONG and difficult month. It was the perfect way to end the pig roast tradition. It was great to have my two biggest supporters in the world FINALLY able to meet each other and for both of them to be here even though they live way too far away. It was great to see some friends who I haven't seen in a long time. Cacthing a theme here - it was great!
And it didn't end there - we had a few people, including Matt's sister and our niece, soon-to-be Dr. Will, and my surprise present Stacy spend the night. We all headed up to a college breakfast spot and met Bill and his fiance, Lindsay up there. Great morning! Came home, cleaned some more, David and Court and Andrew stopped by. Returned cans to the store, continued packing... and now, finally crashing as Matt heads off to watch the finale of Lost. (I am too far behind to watch it yet! No spoilers).
Ahh, my soul feels refreshed. Now, back to packing... or maybe a nap...
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Inspiration from a Bird
I have been wathing this little bird on our deck this morning. At first all I could hear was a weird bird chirp/cry. Then he flailed himself into our door and tried to climb up the screen. And then I saw him take more and more chances. He walked around and jumpled onto a chair, onto the arm of the chair, onto the table. And then slowly walked to the edge. Went back and forth, back and forth, and finally tried to fly. It didn't work - he fell. But guess what? He waddled back over to the chair, jumped up on the seat, jumped up on the arm, then the table. Wandered over to the edge, prepared himself, then jumped, with so much faith... and fell... Poor guy. He tried again though - 3rd time was the charm, and he flew away with his buddy (or maybe the bird was a girl and she was flying away with her patient hubby bird who was watching on, always encouraging her).
So there it was - me sitting here comparing my life to this little bird. I hear ya birdy - I know those cries. I know what it feels like to fall time and time again. And to be so scared to jump, but doing it anyway. And I am hoping, like you, our third time is the charm....
So there it was - me sitting here comparing my life to this little bird. I hear ya birdy - I know those cries. I know what it feels like to fall time and time again. And to be so scared to jump, but doing it anyway. And I am hoping, like you, our third time is the charm....
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Medicine for my Soul
There is something about getting together with someone who "gets" you - 100%. I met a new friend today for lunch. We met through an online support group and we had very similar stories. In fact, we were due just 6 days away from eachother last year. We sat at Panera for about 2.5 hours and it felt like we had known each other forever! I wish I could do something like this every day. It is good for my soul and my mood!
Not to say anything bad about the people in my life who also listen. I couldn't live without you! But like I said above, it is just different with someone who has been there. Lived through hearing the life changing news, and dealing with the heartbreak. I never wish that anyone else goes through it - but those that have, it is so nice to "find" them in real life and talk about our babies and our stories.
So, thank you for "finding" me D and for letting me talk about my babies and my story and for sharing your darling daughter with me. It was exactly the medicine I needed!! And so much better then any of these medications that my doctors are prescribing!
Now - back to packing up our house!
Not to say anything bad about the people in my life who also listen. I couldn't live without you! But like I said above, it is just different with someone who has been there. Lived through hearing the life changing news, and dealing with the heartbreak. I never wish that anyone else goes through it - but those that have, it is so nice to "find" them in real life and talk about our babies and our stories.
So, thank you for "finding" me D and for letting me talk about my babies and my story and for sharing your darling daughter with me. It was exactly the medicine I needed!! And so much better then any of these medications that my doctors are prescribing!
Now - back to packing up our house!
Friday, May 14, 2010
Treadmill
This is what my life feels like. But instead of a carrot - I am racing towards getting our baby, yet getting no closer. And I think I look like this little guy too - blood shot eyes, exhausted looking, frantic! Pretty much sums me up.June will be 22 months of trying for a baby. Twenty Two! Some days I wonder if we should give up for a while, and try again later. Some days I regret not giving in to my hubby's begging to start trying earlier (he has been ready to be a dad since he was 10 - I swear!). Maybe we would have our baby by now if we started 4 years ago...
And then I realize that there is NOTHING I can do about not starting earlier. And that, as one of my dear best friends said to me recently, I can't give up hope either. Some days are just so hard to keep up the faith that this is going to happen though. Especially when I am surrounded by people who didn't know if they wanted children or weren't ready when we started trying, but are now way ahead of us. I know it isn't a race. My rational side knows that. But my emotional side keeps picturing where I should be... all sorts of places besides frantically chasing after a carrot that is not getting any closer.
But someday, I will get that carrot, one way or another. And you better believe I won't be sharing my carrot (OK, maybe with Matt...).
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Countdown to June
I have decided to have a countdown to June - because my goal this month is to survive it and get to June 1. May has been a really rough month so far. I feel like I am back where we were last year (although, not quite as bad).
Here are the things we have coming up that will make this month go faster or slower, depending on the event:
Here are the things we have coming up that will make this month go faster or slower, depending on the event:
- Waiting for Matt to get his go-ahead to get commissioned into the Air Force - SLOWER
- Meeting one of my online support group girls on Saturday - can't wait! - FASTER
- Good friend's graduation party - so proud of her! - FASTER
- Looking at all the stuff in our house that needs to be packed, but not sure if we can pack it yet (due to lack of military orders) - SLOWER
- Farewell Pig Roast - FASTER for sure!
- May 28th - Peanut's Angelversary - SLOWER and heartbreaking
- Possibly going to Indy 500 with BFFs depending on when orders come in - FASTER
- Looking at Facebook far too often - SLOWER
- 20 Days left to this darn month - SLOWER
- Countdown to next doctor's appt or blood test - SLOWER
- Planning hubby's birthday presents - FASTER
- Lots of good projects for work - FASTER
- Rainy days - SLOWER
- Meals with all my favorite people before we move - FASTER
OK - tied. 20 days left until this month is over!!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Flowers
My house is full of flowers. I love it!! On Saturday, my sweet hubby surprised me with all sorts of flowers for Mother's Day (and to help get me out of my funk). He got me beautiful Calla Lillies, and then I got flowers from my three babies - pink tulips from Peanut, white tulips from Pickle, and of course Purple from my 4-legged baby. And on Sunday, my brother and sister-in-law brought me flowers too!
It was a rough weekend to say the least, but we made it through. And so far, have had a great Monday, with two very supportive people taking me out for meals and great conversation!
It was also a good weekend too though, for various reasons. One of which is that our house was full of our families on Sunday morning for a brunch (not a coffee though! :) ). It was great to have them all together and enjoy a nice Sunday morning! I sure do love and adore my two moms!
We are hoping that Matt gets commissioned this week, so we can finally call the movers - fingers crossed!
Nothing else big to report - just waiting on lots of things right now it seems. I think my middle name should be changed to "waiting" at this point. :)
So, now, I am going to wait for my hubby to get home. Hope everyone has a good night - whoever is out there reading this!
It was a rough weekend to say the least, but we made it through. And so far, have had a great Monday, with two very supportive people taking me out for meals and great conversation!
It was also a good weekend too though, for various reasons. One of which is that our house was full of our families on Sunday morning for a brunch (not a coffee though! :) ). It was great to have them all together and enjoy a nice Sunday morning! I sure do love and adore my two moms!
We are hoping that Matt gets commissioned this week, so we can finally call the movers - fingers crossed!
Nothing else big to report - just waiting on lots of things right now it seems. I think my middle name should be changed to "waiting" at this point. :)
So, now, I am going to wait for my hubby to get home. Hope everyone has a good night - whoever is out there reading this!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Caution: Handle With Care
Sometimes I wish I could wear a sticker around that says that... Caution: Handle With Care!
This has been a rough week - remembering how last year was. And with Mother's Day fast approaching - a day where I get to celebrate all the mom's in my life (who I am so thankful for), but don't get to celebrate myself. As, to the outside world, there is nothing here to show that I am a mother. And many don't consider me one. But I am a mother (and I am saying this as much for myself as for anyone).
I love my babies before they are growing inside of me.
I do anything in my power to give them everything they need, a warm home, healthy food, plenty of rest.
I make sure that they don't feel any pain in this world. Or at least pray that they never did.
I give them their daily vitamins.
I love them daily, and miss my two babies more than life itself.
As for the babies I have yet to have, I do the same as above.
I go through countless sonograms, blood tests, procedures to make sure that everything is OK for them.
I take, on any given day, at least $20 of medicine to make sure I can get them as healthy as possible.
I get shots in my stomach.
I pray for them, hope for them, dream of what their life could be like.
I picture snuggling them and spoiling them rotten.
I can't imagine my life without them.
And I (not so) patiently wait for them.
And all of these thoughts never really entered my mind until my hubby brought them to my attention... We are doing so much for these little babies. Yet, to so many, we are not parents. But that's OK. Because those people don't really get it.
And you know what - I wouldn't change anything above. Yes, I would have my two babies here with me in a heartbeat, but they have taught me so much in their short little lives. And if I can't get them back, then I will forever be thankful for what they have given me. Afterall, they are the ones who have made me a mommy. And they have made me more fragile. But I think the world could use a little more caution... don't you?
This has been a rough week - remembering how last year was. And with Mother's Day fast approaching - a day where I get to celebrate all the mom's in my life (who I am so thankful for), but don't get to celebrate myself. As, to the outside world, there is nothing here to show that I am a mother. And many don't consider me one. But I am a mother (and I am saying this as much for myself as for anyone).
I love my babies before they are growing inside of me.
I do anything in my power to give them everything they need, a warm home, healthy food, plenty of rest.
I make sure that they don't feel any pain in this world. Or at least pray that they never did.
I give them their daily vitamins.
I love them daily, and miss my two babies more than life itself.
As for the babies I have yet to have, I do the same as above.
I go through countless sonograms, blood tests, procedures to make sure that everything is OK for them.
I take, on any given day, at least $20 of medicine to make sure I can get them as healthy as possible.
I get shots in my stomach.
I pray for them, hope for them, dream of what their life could be like.
I picture snuggling them and spoiling them rotten.
I can't imagine my life without them.
And I (not so) patiently wait for them.
And all of these thoughts never really entered my mind until my hubby brought them to my attention... We are doing so much for these little babies. Yet, to so many, we are not parents. But that's OK. Because those people don't really get it.
And you know what - I wouldn't change anything above. Yes, I would have my two babies here with me in a heartbeat, but they have taught me so much in their short little lives. And if I can't get them back, then I will forever be thankful for what they have given me. Afterall, they are the ones who have made me a mommy. And they have made me more fragile. But I think the world could use a little more caution... don't you?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
A year ago today - nothing would be the same
Dear Sweet Peanut,
Today was the day (May 5th technically, but it was a Tuesday), that changed our lives, one year ago. We had waited for this day. Your daddy and I were so excited. We would get to hear your little heartbeat for the first time! I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember how nervous I was about the appt. I remember talking to my co-workers and them being all excited for our big day. We had so many plans, once we got to hear your heartbeat. Daddy had the go-ahead to scream it from the rooftop. We were going to go out to dinner to celebrate, post something on facebook, and go hang out at our new favorite place - Babies R Us. But none of those things happened.
We walked into the exam room. I was told to change. Daddy was outside waiting with the video camera so he could capture it all. The tech came in and put the little doppler machine on my belly... and... nothing.... for what seemed like an eternity. Daddy stopped taping and help my hand instead. We started crying... but then we heard it... whoosh, whoosh, whoosh... A strong heartbeat!!! Were you hiding in there? Daddy got the video camera back out and also recorded your heartbeat on his phone, so he could listen to it wherever he was. All three of us in the room started crying. Sigh - first hurdle down (which, before that day, I didn't know was a hurdle...). The doctor came in and told us we could get an ultrasound if we wanted... OF COURSE!
And then it happened... the world stopped moving. At least our world did. And today was the day that we would never be the same, it good ways and in bad. All I remember was the words "fluid" and me, with my very limited knowledge... knew that wasn't good. I remember crying lots, daddy crying lots, and being taking into an exam room, where our soon-to-be favorite doctor came in and consoled us. She sent me for blood work, and to see a specialist in the morning. It was going to be the longest day of our lives.
I went to get my blood work and couldn't control the sobbing. I didn't care if people thought I was crazy. The poor lab tech kept telling me it would be OK - this was a routine test after all. Yes, for many it is... for us, we would never get the results of that test.
We went home and had to make those phone calls. We had to break the hearts of people who were so excited to meet our little Peanut in November.
I didn't sleep that night. I was up all night researching on the computer, praying that there was a cure or something to tell me you were going to make it.
A year ago today, baby girl, we didn't know you were a baby girl. Daddy had a gut feeling and always said "she or her" when talking about you (which was all the time). My gut told me you were a girl too... and I guess we were both right.
If things had gone differently. If one year ago today, we were one of the lucky ones who go into an ultrasound room, and come out smiling, our world would be so different today. Last night, I laid on the couch and was thinking about you. Your daddy was sound asleep.. and I thought about how quiet our house is. Too quiet. You would have been about 5.5 months old now. I don't know what that would be like, but I know that quiet probably wouldn't be one of the words.
You, and what happened on this day a year ago, have changed us so dramatically. In the time since you have been gone, which is almost a year, there have been lots of tears, a few smiles, some happy moments, and of course, your little sibling Pickle... which once again made our worlds fall apart.
I hope you know how desperately we love you and how badly we wanted to meet you, to raise you, to hold your hand and dry your tears. To make you giggle and give you everything this world has to offer. To teach you all sorts of fun things, to show you the world. To one day watch you grow into a woman, and walk down the aisle with the love of your life. We had a lifetime worth of dreams for you, that one year ago, slipped out of our hands.
We will never be the same. And we wish, with all of our hearts, that you were here with us, changing us in different ways.
Be good up there baby girl. Dance around on the clouds. Laugh and giggle, and do all those things that we wished for you. And if you think of it... go knock on God's door and let him know that we are ready for your next little sibling. And can you ask him if, this time, we get to keep him/her?
We love you more than life and more than most people understand,
Love, Mommy and Daddy
Today was the day (May 5th technically, but it was a Tuesday), that changed our lives, one year ago. We had waited for this day. Your daddy and I were so excited. We would get to hear your little heartbeat for the first time! I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember how nervous I was about the appt. I remember talking to my co-workers and them being all excited for our big day. We had so many plans, once we got to hear your heartbeat. Daddy had the go-ahead to scream it from the rooftop. We were going to go out to dinner to celebrate, post something on facebook, and go hang out at our new favorite place - Babies R Us. But none of those things happened.
We walked into the exam room. I was told to change. Daddy was outside waiting with the video camera so he could capture it all. The tech came in and put the little doppler machine on my belly... and... nothing.... for what seemed like an eternity. Daddy stopped taping and help my hand instead. We started crying... but then we heard it... whoosh, whoosh, whoosh... A strong heartbeat!!! Were you hiding in there? Daddy got the video camera back out and also recorded your heartbeat on his phone, so he could listen to it wherever he was. All three of us in the room started crying. Sigh - first hurdle down (which, before that day, I didn't know was a hurdle...). The doctor came in and told us we could get an ultrasound if we wanted... OF COURSE!
And then it happened... the world stopped moving. At least our world did. And today was the day that we would never be the same, it good ways and in bad. All I remember was the words "fluid" and me, with my very limited knowledge... knew that wasn't good. I remember crying lots, daddy crying lots, and being taking into an exam room, where our soon-to-be favorite doctor came in and consoled us. She sent me for blood work, and to see a specialist in the morning. It was going to be the longest day of our lives.
I went to get my blood work and couldn't control the sobbing. I didn't care if people thought I was crazy. The poor lab tech kept telling me it would be OK - this was a routine test after all. Yes, for many it is... for us, we would never get the results of that test.
We went home and had to make those phone calls. We had to break the hearts of people who were so excited to meet our little Peanut in November.
I didn't sleep that night. I was up all night researching on the computer, praying that there was a cure or something to tell me you were going to make it.
A year ago today, baby girl, we didn't know you were a baby girl. Daddy had a gut feeling and always said "she or her" when talking about you (which was all the time). My gut told me you were a girl too... and I guess we were both right.
If things had gone differently. If one year ago today, we were one of the lucky ones who go into an ultrasound room, and come out smiling, our world would be so different today. Last night, I laid on the couch and was thinking about you. Your daddy was sound asleep.. and I thought about how quiet our house is. Too quiet. You would have been about 5.5 months old now. I don't know what that would be like, but I know that quiet probably wouldn't be one of the words.
You, and what happened on this day a year ago, have changed us so dramatically. In the time since you have been gone, which is almost a year, there have been lots of tears, a few smiles, some happy moments, and of course, your little sibling Pickle... which once again made our worlds fall apart.
I hope you know how desperately we love you and how badly we wanted to meet you, to raise you, to hold your hand and dry your tears. To make you giggle and give you everything this world has to offer. To teach you all sorts of fun things, to show you the world. To one day watch you grow into a woman, and walk down the aisle with the love of your life. We had a lifetime worth of dreams for you, that one year ago, slipped out of our hands.
We will never be the same. And we wish, with all of our hearts, that you were here with us, changing us in different ways.
Be good up there baby girl. Dance around on the clouds. Laugh and giggle, and do all those things that we wished for you. And if you think of it... go knock on God's door and let him know that we are ready for your next little sibling. And can you ask him if, this time, we get to keep him/her?
We love you more than life and more than most people understand,
Love, Mommy and Daddy
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