Our Weekend at the Yurt

Wow- how is it Sunday already? We had a great time at the Yurt this weekend. We got there on Friday afternoon and were surprised by how much snow there was. A lot more than we have on our side of the state. We got unpacked and started a fire to start making dinner. We played a few games (Scrabble, Moncala, Speed - Score: Katie - 5, Matt - 1!). And we read a ton. Saturday we made breakfast and coffee and headed out for an afternoon hike. The snow was so deep so it took a long time and we are super sore today. But in a good way. I so needed to get out after being cooped up in the house for more than 4 weeks. We took some pictures in the snow, took a nap, read some more, and ate some more. I think we got too much sleep - we both had a hard time sleeping last night and were up and making breakfast way to early today. It was a great time with no TVs, no connection with the outside world, and time to think about our babies and talk about our future. We love going there! Here are some pics:

The Yurt (or part of it at least)Our "bathroom"

Matt digging our way to the fire pit through lots of snow.

Waiting for dinner to cook. Brrr!
Eating a nice, warm dinner!

Our hike in the woods.
As we were making the pictures below, these two stayed around and watched us.... interesting, huh?!

We miss our Peanut and Pickle.

We also got the sad news that my Aunt passed away on Thursday night. RIP Aunt Marty. We will forever miss you!

If you think about it - can you pray for my family? My dear Aunt passed away last night after a very long and difficult battle with cancer. She was surrounded by my Uncle, her son and daughter-in-law and my grandparents when she passed away. She has been so strong through the years, her and my uncle both, fighting this battle. She has been in and out of the hospital too many times to count. I think the sweetest thing about all of this was watching my Uncle take care of her. He was so devoted to her and it was amazing watching their love grow through this heartbreaking time.

He called Matt the other night and asked him to put together a slideshow for her funeral. So, he is busy working on that. We got all of the pictures, songs, letters, etc, and we both sat there crying. he wrote some amazingly sweet letters to her. They were married for about 40 years (I think). What an accomplishment!

The funeral is next Saturday so we will head over to the other side of the state them to say goodbye to this sweet woman. I just hope she knew how loved she was, and that she will never be forgotten!

As for us - we are heading out this weekend to go camping. Yes, camping in February in a Yurt. If you aren't sure what a yurt is, stay tuned for pictures. It is going to be just what we need to relax...

Hope you all have a great weekend. Hug your loved ones a little tighter today (and every day).

Update

I wanted to update on how today went mostly so I can look back on it and remember. I was so nervous when we got to the hospital. My biggest fear in life is needles. We went back to the pre-op area and Matt could actually come with me this time. (For those that don't know, my first procedure was done at a different facility - an awful place.) He got to hold my hand while they put my IV in and I got to just stare at him since I cannot stand looking at it when they do that stuff. I then got some happy medicine to calm my nerves. My parents came as well and we were all sitting in the nice little room while I kept "dying" - aka my pulse ox machine kept stopping... and I was a little loopy so I kept asking Moopy if I had died. :) My wonderful, too good to be true doctor came in to talk to us. I just adore this woman. I asked her if they were going to test the tissue and she said no, she wasn't worried about this one. She was worried about Peanut, but she feels like this one was more "normal" - like the 33% of other women who have miscarriages. Then she looked me in the eyes and said that we are GOING to get pregnant again and this would not happen again. I think we were all crying when she said that. Like I said - love this woman. I know she can't promise that, but she gave us hope.

I got wheeled back to the OR after saying bye to everyone and was bombarded with people taking care of me and distracting me. My doctor stood there and held my hand while they prepped me and we talked about ugly bridesmaid dresses. I had told her that my lil bro had just gotten married and how much I loved my new sister in law and how I could totally wear the bridesmaid dress again. And all the women in the room thought I was lucky and proceeded to tell me about their ugliest dresses and how one of them turned it into pillows or something.. this is when I think I feel asleep. Unlike last time, I did not wake up half way through the procedure! They made sure of that! I got wheeled back to recovery (I guess, since I don't remember) and the doc went out to talk to Matt and my parents. She wants to see us next week and as she put it, this appt isn't just for small talk - it is to make a battle plan to get us pregnant ASAP. (Love her!) She wants to set dates and plans and she said that if we wanted to, we could see the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) for a second opinion. So, I think I had that wrong the first time as I thought they would have to give me the Clomid, but she said that she can do that. But if we wanted a second opinion, she would set that up. So, who knows, we will talk to her more next week.

She took such good care of me and it was so nice to be wheeled back into that room feeling hopeful instead of scared. The procedure wasn't as invasive as it could have been since most of it had moved around, just not out... As or right now, I am still a little loopy and really tired, but wanted to get this down so that I can remember to write a thank you letter to her and to her boss. I have been wanting to tell the hospital (since I worked there I know who to talk to) our story for quite some while, but just can't get through it without tears. However, right now, I am feeling much more hopeful and now want to share this good story along with the bad one from last time and compare how well this all could be done. I hope everyone woman who has to go through this awful, heartbreaking experience is lucky enough to have a doctor like mine.

So now, I just enjoyed some yummy Panera that my parents brought over and am getting spoiled by the hubs. Gonna go watch some DVR and probably fall asleep in 2 minutes. Thanks for all the sweet notes and for checking in on us.

To the Hospital We Go

To continue on this rollercoaster that is our life right now - yesterday was good and bad. As we were waiting for the news of where Matt would be placed, we were finishing up yet another ultrasound and sitting in the doctor's office waiting to find out my fate. It was such mixed emotions. As we sat there waiting to hear my news, we got Matt's news. We wanted to yell and jump for joy... but at the same time, we were sad and dreading the other news. It was such a weird time. We tried to separate the two though - and yesterday we focused on just being excited for our new adventure in the Air Force.

So, now I wanted to update you with the latest on me. The second round of Cytotec didn't work over the weekend. It did absolutely nothing. The ultrasound showed that there was still "stuff" that needed to come out - but my body isn't cooperating (big surprise). So, I am having a D&C this afternoon. Part of me is happy that this will all be over with and we can begin to heal and get out of this in-between phase. Part of me is mad because we could have done this 4 weeks ago. Part of me is scared of what could potentially happen in the OR today. Part of me is still excited from yesterday and the thought of what is going on hasn't even sunken in. Part of me is starving since I am not allowed to eat today! My doctor will be performing the procedure. Matt was happy to find out that he can actually come to pre-op and recovery with me, unlike last time where they had him practically locked up in a different part of the building. The procedure will be done in my home away from home - my old place of work, a place I am very comfortable in and trust the people around me. So, a lot will be different from last time we went through this, but part of me is taken back to last May. I am trying not to think of that though and just get through the day.

I had a special surprise yesterday. My old co-worker stopped by to visit and to bring us a little gift. I couldn't open it when she was here because I knew it would leave me in a pile of tears, and it did. She had found a blanket, the softest blanket ever, that was made for the "Pickle" in our life. Pickle was written all over it. It made my heart happy. It really showed how much she, and all my other co-workers, care about us by remembering our kooky name for our little one. We now have something with his/her name on it and an acknowledgement that our baby was here - even if it was for all too short of a time. Thank you for that!! I just wish our little one was getting closer to being here so I could snuggle them in the blanket.

Wish me luck today!!! And please pray that nothing goes wrong today.

Our Future!

My husband got news today that he is officially a Captain in the US Air Force! He will begin his internship by going to a 5 week training course in Alabama starting at the end of June. Prior that, we will have packed up and moved to a new home near Wright Patterson AFB in Dayton, Oh. At the end of the training, he reports the following Monday for work as a resident in psychology in the Air Force!!!! I am so so proud of him. It has been a long road through graduate school, applying for internships, interviewing for positions, and waiting for this day. I will update about other stuff later - for now, I just want to live in this happy, proud moment! Can we start packing yet?!

A Month in Review

It has been a hard month - what with the waiting, and doctor's appointments, and ultrasounds, and waiting, and more appointments and sadness, and waiting... but there have been some good parts of the month too. Here are some of them:

Flowers from friends and family. Beautiful flowers that brightened some dark days.

A weekend of crafts with my Cricut - card making, envelopes, and other things:


Seeing signs from our babies- do you see the heart?

Celebrating 28 years with family:

Celebrating the success of 5 hardworking psychology graduate students who all matched at an internship site! Here are three of my favorite soon-to-be Drs:

The other girl left before we took this picture, but here are 4/5 of the soon to be Drs.!

The boys wanted to take advantage of the snow and celebrate their good news from Friday, so went snowboarding on Sat. David and Court came over in the morning and we made them breakfast and then Court was sweet enough to hang out with me all day while the boys were boarding. We had a great time talking and talking and crying and talking and watching a movie. My mom even stopped by with lunch!!

So, through all the tears and sadness, we have been surrounded by wonderful family and friends in this last month - those close and far away (via cards, emails, and phone calls). We are blessed! And we are looking forward to this last week in February. Tomorrow is a big day on many fronts. First - we find out where Matt matched! We have a gut feeling, but are praying it comes true. And, we head back to the doctor. Unfortunately, my 3 days of medicine haven't done anything this weekend, so I am preparing myself for a D&C tomorrow. We need to heal and need to move on, and so I am OK with this. And no matter what happens tomorrow - we know it is out of our hands. So, we pray that it all goes well, the match and the doctor's appt. But we know that no matter what happens, good or bad, we are lucky to be surrounded with the wonderful people that we have in our life. And we know that eventually, we will get our dream... one heartbreak at a time. Thanks for coming along on this journey with us! We couldn't do it without you!

Happy Day!

In the midst of all of this drama we are going through - there is happy news. Six years ago when my husband started graduate school to get his PhD, we pictured this day, where we were one step closer to getting done! Today was the big day- do you get an internship (and therefore can go on to finish your PhD and find that awesome job he deserves) or do you not (and have to take multiple steps to try to find one)... Today, he MATCHED!!! Matt officially has an internship position at one of the 9 places that he ranked in the computer system. We find out Monday where.

I am so proud of him and all of his hard work, dedication, and sweat/tears/all-nighters to get this far in his career. He already is an amazing psychologist and I know that this internship, whereever it may be, will only make him a stronger one. I love you almost-Dr. Matt! You are my hero!

Can't wait to find out where this journey will take us next, and where our fresh start will begin! Cannot wait for Monday!

My babies like to hang on

Well, apparently both of my babies like to hang on for dear life. Peanut was diagnosed at 12 weeks with Turner Syndrome and a 0% chance of survival. She was in heart failure, her lymphatic system wasn't working... the doctor told us time and time again she would only live a few more days. She held on. We lost her at 15 weeks.

Dear Pickle is hanging on too, although not in the same was as big sis. Another ultrasound today. I offered the tech a break if she wanted it and told her I could take it from here. Anyway - things are progressing, just not as fast as every other women that goes through this. Next steps - well, first she said a D&C, but after reviewing things again, she said that we should give the Cytotec another try. So, she upped the amount and the doseage... it's gonna be a fun weekend! And I feel so bad, but we have to go back for yet another ultrasound on Monday and if all else fails, I will have a D&C that day... the day that we have been looking forward to for years... the day we find out where Matt will be doing his internship. I promised him I would make it up to him. Then we headed to the pharmacy to drop off my prescriptions and on to the lab for a lab test to see if my hCG levels are going down.

Matt thought it was a nice confirmation that our babies are definitely MY babies. As he so nicely put it in the exam room - "Well, at least we know they are yours. They don't do anything that they are told unless THEY want to do it. And they will fight it even if they know it is the right thing. You tell me to go over there - I won't go over there unless you give me a reason and I 100% agree with your reason or think it was my own idea..." Heehee - so true! Stubborn as their mommy.

I am feeling OK today. We had a great meeting last night with our SHARE group, although I got told that my aura had a bad taste to it. Not sure why the massage lady was "tasting" me... But, it was nice to be surrounded by other couples and women who nod and agree and understand. So, that has left me feeling better today. And, we are very lucky to have a personal chef who graduated from the French Culinary Institute coming over tonight to make us dinner! And to top it off, that same person is a dear friend of mine since 6th grade! So, excited about that! And then it will be time to swallow a bunch of pain killers and other fun pills and hunker down for the bumpy ride that we will be going on this weekend.

Thanks for reading and checking in on us! It means so much that you care enough to follow along with our rollercoaster ride.

Love, Katie

I Need a Break

Anyone want to fly away with me to a tropical location? I am in desperate need of a break. Before I get into that... I just wanted to say thanks to those that wished me a happy birthday here, on the phone, or on facebook! I definitely felt loved. Hubby and I worked a while in the morning, I played with my presents, and then we went and saw Valentine's Day in the evening and out to dinner with my family to a hibachi restuarant. It was a ton of fun! It was great to get out. And I was actually feeling quite OK yesterday, only mild cramps.

I had a stupid physical this morning - so I could get a note I needed for work, but spent most of the time crying to the nurse practitioner.... I can't help but cry in the doctor's office. On my way to drop Matt off at work, I got a call from my OB/GYN... apparently the tissue sample that we dropped off on Monday was only blood clots... which means we either missed what they need to test (which I doubt) or I haven't fully miscarried. Great... So, I have to go in tomorrow for yet another ultrasound and I am sure more bad news, with the possibility that they will force me to have a D&C or I will have to take more of the Cytotec, which isn't pleasant in any way.

Today, I just feel beaten down. I hate feeling this way. I hate being moppy (not Moopy, moppy - to mope.... ). I am not normally a sad person, but I feel sad. I feel like I haven't gotten one single break through any of this pregnancy related stuff in the last year. Well, let's be honest.. I haven't gotten a single break... So, I think my feelings are justified. I am just ready to move on though. I want to be able to go to the fertility doctor, have them do a million tests on me, and somehow give me a healthy pregnancy so we can move on. I have felt stuck for the last year. And I don't feel any closer to getting what we so desperately want. I actually feel further away. I feel like my body is betraying my heart. I have no energy to do anything. I don't want to get off the couch. I don't want to go out into the world - because happy, naive, pregnant women are out there parking in their happy "Expectant Mommy" parking spots with their happy "baby on board" stickers on their car, rubbing their large bellies in my face (even though my brain knows they aren't. The rational side of me is so happy for these strangers that they are getting what they want. The emotional side of me though hates them... all of them..as their waddles remind me of what I don't have). So, here I am to vent. I am angry and sad and depressed.

However, on a postive note, I may get a massage tonight at my SHARE support group meeting... and if not, at least I know I will be surrounded by women and their husbands who understand and have been there. And I will be able to cry and sit there with snot on my face and be OK with that. Because everyone else in the room looks the same... So, here we go. A girl who used to be terrified of the doctor is going back for my millionth appt tomorrow - please, let whatever needs to happen happen between now and then so I can hear some sort of good news (however "good" it is to hear that your baby is no longer inside of you...).

If you need me, you can find me pouting on the couch and trying to focus on work...

Love, Eeyore

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my birthday. If you know me, you know how excited I get over birthdays. I love celebrating other's and my own. I usually start planning Matt's way out in advance and usually celebrate it for a week or so. I love making people feel special... but I feel like that part of me is slipping away. Birthdays are one more reminder of the things that I don't have. If life were fair, I would have a 3 month old sitting on my lap tomorrow as I blow out candles. Or I would be telling my parents and siblings that we were pregnant again. But I won't be doing either of those things. I will be reminded though of just another thing that I won't get to do with my babies - celebrate their birthdays. I had so many plans for those, already! (See what I mean about planning ahead?) But my heart breaks that I won't get to bake those cakes or throw those parties or spoil them rotten.

Don't get me wrong - I am blessed that I get to celebrate another birthday. It is just bittersweet. I am thankful that I made it to 28. I am thankful that I get to share it with my parent's, husband, and brother and sis-in-law. I am thankful for all of those things. But there is always, and will always be, two someone's missing from every picture that we take for however many more birthdays we are blessed with. And that makes me sad. That makes me heartbroken.

Happy Valentine's Day

As my Dear Husband pointed out today - we have spent 8 Valentine's Days together. Wow! I remember our first one - although, we didn't really celebrate together. Me and some of my girlfriends went to go see the Vagina Monologues at our school and when I got home, there was a card on my car and a card at my front door. Although I was super excited, I think I spent the next 3 weeks re-reading every word trying to figure out if this guy actually liked me (this was during his dumb "I don't want to be a boyfriend" stage. Although, he was coming out of that..). He was so cute. Still is!

While we aren't celebrating this year like we normally like to, we had a great morning. Matt made this fantastic bacon and I made some waffles. And we opened presents - OK, let's be honest... we opened presents two days ago cause we can never wait to give them to each other. I got Matt a camping grill thing and a lantern stand, and he got me an orchid and the most beautiful angel necklace. I will post pictures later. Not sure what else we are going to do today because I still don't feel very well....

I sure do love this man more than anything. And today, and every day, I am reminded just how lucky I am to have him. I know a lot of marriages don't make it through tough times, and I think we have had our share of those this last year, but I also think that it has strengthened our marriage... and I don't take that for granted. I know how blessed we are that we have each other. Happy Valentine's Day sweet man! Thank you for sharing your life with me.

I hope you are doing something today to show your loved one how much they mean to you - big or small it doesn't matter. And we hope you guys have a great Valentine's Day.

Ahh - I think I am over the worst. After I posted yesterday, I basically wanted to die. But we made it through! I am still a little crampy, but I think the worst is over.. at least until Monday when we go in to the doctor for yet another ultrasound to make sure nothing is left in there. (That sounds so morbid..), so we will update more on Monday about all that.

Today, my sweet mom stopped by to bring us some smoothies and lunch from Panera. So yummy and so nice to have something that we didn't have to make. Thanks Mom! You're the best!

As for the rest of our weekend activities - not sure. We were supposed to go to a local winery tonight for their wine testing/dessert pairing, but we cancelled that due to all that is going on. I was in the mood today to throw stuff out, so Matt had me go through a bunch of stuff in our basement that I was saving "just in case." But I don't want to move it - so time to get rid of it. And we also inventoried our house... one of the things that is on my list to do for moving. Also nice to have for insurance purposes. And I am working on my fancy moving binder. One more week and we find out!!! So excited!

We also got all of our camping stuff around. We are going to the Yurt again (an Asian Teepee..) in two weeks. We did this last year and it was one of our favorite camping trips. And yes, we know it is February - but that makes it so much more fun! Alone in the wilderness in a little hut! Matt loves organizing and going through our camping stuff, so we had fun doing that this morning -him running around, me sitting on the couch. :)

Last weekend I made a bunch of cards. I will have to post pictures soon. I think they turned out pretty cute.

That's all from our little corner of the world. Thanks for checking in on us. All n all - we are doing OK. :)

Hanging in there

We are hanging in there. I have one pill left to take, and it isn't doing all that I thought it would.. but we talked to the nurse today and she said that is normal. It could take a few more days.

So far, I am just incredibly crampy. And all throughout the night, woke up every 10 minutes (literally, I watched the clock) to what I can only describe as contractions. Although, I have never had them before... and definitely haven't had them in the way that I wanted, I think that is what they are.

So, we sit here and wait. In the meantime, we are watching lots of tv, playing mario brothers on wii, and waiting for the olympics to start.

PS - I have a new love for heating pads and Tylenol with Codine!!!

Next Steps

Well, I tried to avoid my appt this morning, but the nurse and Matt made me go in. Of course it was a waiting room full of happy pregnant women and a few new borns. Yay! I don't think I have ever stared at a fish tank as hard as I did this morning.

Well, after our ultrasound, nothing had changed. The doctor came in and said she really recommends a D&C. But gave us the choice to think about it. We came home and thought and researched and read and talked. I was really uncomfortable with the D&C. Something in me is telling me it isn't the right choice. At least for now. There are higher risks of having a second procedure (since I already had one last year) that could lead to infertility. That is just too final and scary for me.

So, after much debate, we decided to go the medication route. The nurse and doctor kept warning us about the amount of blood that is going to be leaving me... (and prescribed me some Zanax.....) but I think I am prepared. I want to be at home with my hubby instead of being put out in a cold OR again. Matt is on his way to pick up the prescriptions as well as some heavy duty pain killers... and I will take it this afternoon. I am scared, but not as scared as I was at the thought of a D&C. Please pray that all goes well and I won't need to be rushed to the ER or need a D&C afterall. Please pray that Matt is OK through all of this too - he is so worried that something is going to happen to me.

After this is all over and we are ready - the next step is to head to an infertility doctor. Those words are just scary to me... but the doctor's words were "you deserve to have some smiles instead of all of these tears... and hopefully the fertility doctor can give that to you." So - the journey continues....

If you are one of the lucky ones that has an easy time getting pregnant, and each time you get pregnant it means a healthy baby in the end... please thank your lucky stars. There are so many women out there, amazing, very deserving women, who can no longer imagine that life.

To my little baby... I love you. We love you. And tell your big sister that we love her too. And that we miss you both so dearly and had so many wonderful dreams for both of you.... You are both forever in our hearts.

Sigh

So, I called the doctor's office today just to make sure that what is happening to me is normal. I started bleeding on Friday, and it has gotten a little heavier since then, but not too much... I have some cramping, but not tons. But in general, I just feel blah (could be due to the situation and nothing with my body though)...

So, they want to see me for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. I don't know why but this hit me the wrong way. I don't want another freaking ultrasound!!!! I have had more ultrasounds in my life than most people who have 2, 3, 4 healthy children. I don't want another ultrasound where there is more bad news (this time, possibly telling me I need to take an awful pill or have a D&C). We have had one good ultrasound in our lifetime, which was when we got to see Pickle's heartbeat and all looked well..... ONE good ultrasound out of the 10 or so ones that I have had. I now have a strong aversion to that darn device. Most women are usually so excited to get an ultrasound. Most women think that the one ultrasound they get during their pregnancy is to check the sex of the baby... oh how wrong they are. That is a very minor detail in what the doctor's are looking for. And when you have an ultrasound time after time, you know that isn't a good sign. I am glad we did have them though. I am glad we got to see Pickle alive and moving around. I am glad we got to see Peanut waving to us time after time. But right now, the bad news out weighs the good and I don't want another one!!! So, in the meantime, I am doing everything possible to get this moving so maybe I don't have to go in tomorrow. I know what they are doing is for the best, but to sit in that same bed and look at that same screen again without any good news just doesn't sound like something I want to do on a cold Thursday morning... or any morning.

A One Car Family

We are, as of Monday night, a one car family. At least for a little while. We turned Matt's truck in and are now sharing my car. It works for us right now. I work from home and if Matt gets the internship spot that we hope he gets, he will be gone for the entire month of July for training in Alabama. And then we move, and would have to move two cars. So, we are waiting to see where we land to see what kind of car we need and when we need another one.

It is weird to think about the fact that we shouldn't be able to do this. Had everything gone the way that we wanted it to... I would be in my last week of maternity leave and heading back to work next week, instead of sitting here on the couch working for a different company and losing another baby. If Peanut were here, we would have needed two cars. But instead, we are a one car family, with nothing to fill the backseat. And when I look out into our huge driveway, it is just another reminder that something (two somethings) are missing from our lives.

I just hope that someday, we will be a two car family again, because we need to be. Or, even a dreaded mini-van family. Because we need to be. Or, whatever we are, I just hope we have something to fill the backseat. And we have to worry about fitting all that stuff in a car and that it takes three times as long to go anywhere... I would love those problems.

But for now, we are a one car family - because we can be.

Thankful

Even during these dark times in our life, which I felt has been for the last year, I am still very thankful for many things.

Right now, the thing I am the most thankful for are the people that don't forget about us two, three weeks out... or even 9 months out from losing Peanut. There are people out there that call every once in a while, or more frequently right now, and genuinely want to know how we are doing. Sometimes I feel like answering honestly, sometimes I say "we are doing OK" and want to leave it at that, but know that every time you ask from deep in your heart, I hear what you are asking. And every time you ask and want to hear the answer, even if it ends up with me being in tears, it heals my heart just a little each time. I don't need to name off these people, at least I don't think I do - because you know who you are. And thank you - truly. No words will ever be enough for me to express what we would do without you. And we are truly humbled by your caring - from taking time out of your busy days to take the time to shoot us an email to check if we are doing OK, or if we need something, or to call and just leave a voicemail that says you are thinking of us... we know how busy life can get, and it means the world that you take that time to think about us and make sure we are OK. Or for those out there praying for us... thank you.

Our House

It hit me this weekend that we are moving in about 4 months! And it got me thinking about all the things that I am going to miss about our little log cabin.

This is the house that I walked into on the day after our wedding a married women. This is the house that we sat on the deck with our family and friends opening up all our wonderful wedding gifts. This is the house that my new husband and I had so much fun unpacking and arranging. This is the house where we made our first "adult" purchases - new cars, couches, etc. This is the house where countless parties occurred. Where countless amounts of laughter could be heard. This is the house where traditions were made. Annual pig roasts, annual bonfire parties, annual fall parties. This is the house where we got to host long-standing traditions like interview weekend party, the psychology holiday party. And where we celebrated friends and sibling's engagements. We held our first Christmas with my parents here. We got to use our china for the first time in this house (even if we have only used it maybe twice). This is the house where I met and fell in love with this fluffy dog who lived here long before we did. This is the house where I said to my hubby that "I wouldn't get attached to her." This is the house that he laughs at me still to this day about that statement. Where I get to watch my husband play on tractors and watch our friends get their cars stuck on the dirt bike track. Where we have people come to spend the night. And play legos with our niece. Where friends and family bring their dogs to run around on the 20 acres. Where we can just open the door and let our dog roam around without having to worry about her. This is where we feel safe. This is the house that we lay on the hammock on a warm summer night and watch the stars. And where snowmobiles and cross country skis are used. Where a million picture frames display our happiest memories. This is the house where friendships were made, and lost.

This is the house where many tears have been shed - good and bad. Where we found out that we made two human beings. Where I will always picture telling Matt that we were pregnant - once on a Thursday night in cold March, once on Christmas morning. This is the place where I will always think about when I remember his reaction. This is where he read to my belly during those innocent days when we thought nothing could go wrong. This is where we came to hide when we found out we were not going to be the lucky ones - twice. Where we hugged eachother and asked God why so many times. This is their house. This is where I pictured bringing a baby home to in November of last year. This is the house that has a bedroom that I cannot go into. That has a half finished dresser, because there was no longer a reason to finish it. This is a house that holds the cedar chest that is filled to the brim with hope and disappointment and heartache.

This is where we feel at home. This is our home. A home with 3 living souls and two angels. And we will miss it.

Do you have any favorite memories about the Willerick ranch?

What Makes a Mother

What Makes a Mother?
Written by Jennifer Wasik

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say,
"A Mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice.

"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God.
I want my baby to be here."He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say... '
We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.

Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'
"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home,
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And know that you are the best one!"

Distractions

We tend to buy things when we are depressed... I guess we are helping the economy right? Although - Matt keeps saying that this one wasn't a distraction, but something we would have bought anyway. Last Saturday, we decided to go couch shopping... just to look. Our HUGE couch got delivered today. Here it is:

Matt's Spot!

My "Cuddler" - So Comfy!


Sitting in the corner.

This one is mad that she can't enjoy the new couch - so she is sitting behind it punishing us. :)

So - if you are looking for us while we are hiding out from society - this is where we will be!! Finally room for both of us on the couch (and when Matt is out of town - room for me and someone else who is furry! - Shh, don't tell!)

My Wife

I look at my wife in complete amazement every day. While we are best friends, neither of us take for granted the little things that make our days just a little brighter. I could list a thousand reasons as to how she makes me smile throughout the day. From how she is concerned that I eat a good breakfast and that I have something for lunch to how excited she gets when I come home right when she has one of my favorites ready for dinner. She takes care of me, and I take care of her. Through all of our heartache in the past nine months there have been many times that we could have pulled away from one another. I could have held my pain in, she could have thought that I wouldn’t understand the hurt she is feeling and we would have turned away from each other. While I wish we would have never had to go through the loss of our two little angels, I am so thankful that we have had each other. We cry, we find little moments of joy and laugh, and we do it all together. We have our good days and we have our bad days, but it seems to always turns out that they are on opposite days so there is always someone in our home to pick the other one up. Through it all, my wife has been my biggest supporter. I have had a long and at times difficult road to finishing my graduate career but she has always had faith in me. Even during the most difficult time in her life, she has continued to find joy in my success. She is my best friend.

Ranking Day

Today is a day that we have been waiting for for 6 years! Matt is finishing up his PhD in clinical psych. The next (and final) step is do an internship. He spent all of the fall applying to 14 sites and got 8 interviews (which is a really good amount!). He spent all of December and January flying around the country interviewing at various places and knocking their socks off. I am so proud of him! And today he gets to rank the sites he interviewed at.

The way the system works is you go in and rank where you would want to go. Then the places rank their top choices based on how many spots they have. The computer does all the work and we find out on Feb. 19th if he gets matched and Feb. 22nd where he is matched (and where we will be moving to). So, today he has to confirm his choices and where he would like to go and do a one year internship and advance his career.

The choices have been ranked, so we will see where we end up! Though - knowing Matt and how awesome he is, he will most likely (fingers crossed) get one of his top choices!!

... A very nice distraction. And hopeful his two angels up in heaven will watch out for their daddy and his career.

Hope Chest

Matt made me this beautiful cedar chest for Christmas. I wanted a place that was special to put all of the items that we collected for Peanut. Little did I know that a month after I got it, it would be filled with even more things. It is almost to the point where there isn't any room left for it... which pretty much shows how I am feeling. No room left in me for patience or for any more of my heart to be broken.

Ironically, these chests are also called Hope Chests. I don't know the history behind that, but I plan on finding it out at some point. But it is true - the chest is full of all of my hopes and dreams. Hopes of being a mommy. Magazines of possible nursery layouts. Clothes that will never be worn. Picture frames that will be left empty. Books that have only been read up through the first trimester. Pages that only began to be filled with the story that would be my pregnancy with both Peanut and Pickle. Sonogram pictures and pictures of us when we found out we were pregnant. Cards and letter from friends and family - mostly sad ones though. Very few "congratulations."

But at the same time, I try to look at that Hope Chest and be hopeful. That someday we will be able to tell a little brother or sister about their siblings in heaven that are looking down on them. Always watching and protecting. Right now it is hard to imagine that, but we haven't lost all hope. And someday, maybe a nursery will be filled with all of the items that were meant to go into it instead of a cedar chest that sits in our living room. Maybe someday.

For now, we wait though. Wait to say goodbye to our second baby. And hope that someday we will get to hold them up in heaven along with their big sister Peanut....

Summary of the Willericks

So for those that haven't been following along with us on Xanga, we thought we would write a little summary of our lives together so far. We were married on June 10th, 2006. Matt is working on finishing up his PhD in clinical psychology, and up until recently I worked at a local hospital as a process management consultant, which I loved. I now work from home for a consulting company and am getting used to this new job. Last March we found out we were pregnant with our first baby and were so incredibly excited. At our 12 week appointment, we found out our little baby had some major problems. She had a very large cystic hygroma (fluid on the neck) and ascites (fluid on the abdomen which is a sign of heart failure). We lost our little girl on May 28, 2009. We found out a few weeks later that she was in fact a girl and she had a genetic abnormality called Turner Syndrome. We spent the rest of 2009 heartbroken and sad. We found out Christmas morning that we were pregnant again. We were nervous and scared, but also getting more excited as the weeks went on, hoping that 2010 was going to be better than 2009. We heard our little Pickle's heartbeat at a 6 week appointment, but at the 8 week appointment (a week ago today) there was no longer a heartbeat. So, now we are in the waiting game of letting nature take it's course. And we are heartbroken once again. We learned a few things from the last time we went through this and that is part of the reason this blog was started. Too few people really understand what it is like to lose a baby (or two) and I don't think we did very well communicating our sadness last time, which lead to a lot of hurt feelings on our part when people didn't "get it." We want to do better this time - as much as we can. For me, I have a hard time expressing what I am feeling out loud. I am much better writing it down, so this blog is partly intended to be our method to express to our family and friends what we are going through. And to express how much we need you and appreciate your support, even if we don't always say it or show it.

Our babies are Peanut and Pickle. Peanut is our first daughter, and Pickle is the baby we are currently saying goodbye to. Why the "weird" names? Well, we started calling them both their respective names before we knew anything was wrong. And, they have stuck. In our minds, it keeps them innocent and it was also who they were to us... They are our sweet babies in heaven and we miss them desperately each and every day.

New Blog

For a number of years, Matt and I have each had separate blogs on Xanga (www.xanga.com/wmuchic and www.xanga.com/phdwilly). However, because of the way Xanga is set up, we are unable to really share it with those we love. We have a lot going on in our lives these days and would like to start this new blog (in honor of our babies) so we can share with you our thoughts and what is going on in our lives - since we are going to be having some changes coming up as well which will take us away from our family and friends. I am trying to import my old posts on Xanga, but in the meantime, I will work on a summary post to get you up to speed in case you aren't.