Happy

So, this week has been a rollercoaster... to sum it up... my reproductive endocrinologist had me get my thyroid levels tested. They came back a little high - and although I was told not to freak out by the nurse, part of me was still freaking out. I had to get them tested again, and although they never faxed in the order, we figured it out, for the most part, and I got my blood drawn again. This time, they came back normal. So, that is good news! (Although, I sure was hoping that that would have been the cause of this weight gain, instead of my pure laziness and lack of exercise and love for Cherry Garcia, which are all too much work to get over right now!!)

Today we went to see my favorite doctor - our regular OB/GYN. I think I told you earlier that she was leaving the practice and was moving far far away. I was so sad when I found this out, but she was going to be there until we moved, so it was going to be OK. Remember the picture of the cupcakes I posted a while back... well, along with those cupcakes I wrote a long letter to the manager of the practice, and the CEO of the hospital. As a former employee of this magnificant hospital, I knew that the powers-that-be really do listen to patients! So, I copied him on it. He wrote me back right away, thanking me. And the manager did too. I think too few times people hear the GOOD things that they are doing... so I try to tell people when they do (that is the process management/behavior analyst in me... always giving feedback!). Well, today dear sweet doctor told me that she was called into the CEOs office (due to a letter he got...) and that she was going to be staying with this hospital system!! She wanted to thank us for writing that letter and said that it played a part in this system keeping her there! She has a lot going on in her personal life, and was looking for a job that could be less hours and more flexible. Originally, they didn't have one for her... but they do now!!!!! I am just so happy! I don't know how much our letter really played a part, but if it helped at all, then it was totally worth it! She is amazing, and it would have been a real loss to the community if she left. And I know I am not the only one that feels this way. So yay!!!! We both hugged and cried... like I said, I just adore her. I wish I could put her in my pocket and take her with me....

And tomorrow, we get to go see our new house! So exciting!

As you can see - I am trying to focus on the positive today, as I have had a real "in a big funk" week... But today, right now, I am so happy for my doctor and her family that they will be able to stay here! Yay!

Three Years of B&B

For our last three anniversaries, we have got to one of our favorite places on the planet. A winery/B&B in Northern Michigan. It is one of the most relaxing places we have ever been too. The food is fantastic, the rooms are great, and free access to the tasting room - what could be better? I was thinking over the weekend how different all three years looked.

In 2008, to celebrate our 2nd anniversary, we went there for the first time. Our lives seemed so simple back then. We hadn't started trying for a baby yet, so we had no idea what rollercoasters were ahead of us. It was a great weekend of sitting outside on the deck, eating cake, drinking wine, and exploring the area. It was so relaxing.

Last year, we went shortly after we lost Peanut. There aren't words to say how difficult it was. I couldn't drink (due to the surgery I had to have) and we cried a lot that weekend. I remember walking into a cute store, and there was a baby onesie that said "Peanut" on it... my heart broke. Last year was the summer of 'could have/should have beens'. We shouldn't be up there, at a winery, because I should be pregnant. It was a nice place to go to escape and where we knew there wouldn't be any babies and chances are, no pregnant women.

This year, we went early since we are going to be moving around our anniversary. Looking back on last year, I think I have made a lot of progress in my grief work. There is always that pit in my stomach from missing my babies. Always. But the tears weren't there this year. And, as luck would have it, it was the only two days out of the month that I wasn't on any medicine (which now makes me realize how exhausted that medicine makes me!!). So, drinks were had! I needed it after the week we had last week... It was nice to escape. There were kids there this year, three older boys. But all the couples we talked to, young and older, none of them asked if we had kids. it was partly refreshing, and partly makes me wonder if the younger couples are going through something similar. It took everything in me not to start a support group right then and there. :) Overall, it was a great weekend, and we know that this B&B will be there for us - come rain or shine. It is a respite we can go to to escape, to celebrate, to reenergize, to cry, to remember, and to hope. Hoping ever year that next year's "picture" of our life will look different, a little happier, a little bit bigger.

And that is one thing I realize after this weekend (if not long before). No amount of medication, procedures (as long as they are necessary... different story), exhaustion, tears, bad news, awful news, or no news, is going to keep me from getting my baby. One way or another.... I guess we will just have to wait and see what that route is. And for the most inpatient person on the planet (me), this is all a gigantic test of what little patience I do have... But every month is a new start, and begins with hope. So, here we go on the second round of meds, with a new plan and a different doctor (although, still seeing my favorite one!)... hoping it works one of these times!

Time Stands Still/Time Flies

I am in a weird place where time is standing still, yet flying by at the same time. It is so weird. In less than a month and a half, we will be leaving our home to move to a different city. It felt like I had been waiting for this forever, and now it is here! How did that happen? I am very excited to move, yet I am going to miss our little house. We get to go see our new house next week. We can't wait!! We are huge planners and I know as soon as we walk out of there, Matt will begin to plan, room by room, where everthing is going to go. Down to every book and picture. It is super cute when he does this! I know the next month and a half will go so fast, and before I know it, we will be living somewhere far away.

And yet, time is standing still. When you become a "science experiment" like I have become lately, you have to count every day... and the time in between that seems to never move! And when you have been trying for and dreaming of something for almost two years, yet aren't any closer to getting it... time stands still. We go see the Reproductive Endocrinologist tomorrow. It is more for a second opinion. I don't know if he will tell us anything different at this point then what we already know. But I am hoping that talking to him will somehow renew my faith and hope. Because those two things are still missing for me right now. I don't know if he will have us do more testing or what... but it is a long appt, so I am sure there will be lots of discussion and lots of tears. But I am also hoping that there won't be any more roadblocks.

I am ready to move. I am ready for a fresh start. I am ready for time to move at a normal pace, not to fast, and not standing still. I am ready to not be waiting for the thing I want most in this life... I guess we just aren't there yet. Hopefully soon...

Distractions

Distractions are a wonderful thing. Sometimes I go through phases where I really NEED distractions, and now is one of those times. I am finding that I am having a really hard time being positive. So distractions, without the constant reminder of what life SHOULD be life right now, are just so wonderful. Although they are hard to find sometimes. Because, no matter where you go, there is always a pregnant woman, or a newborn, or someone asking you how many children you have. I read this quote earlier this week, and it is totally how I am feeling:

"That's the pit in my stomach. It is the sensation of endlessly falling into another day that is filled with the absence of what I want most."

Whenever I am home by myself, the tv or radio has to be on. The silence is just too heartbreaking. And with all the other things going on in our life (the pills, the counting, the doctors) - all of which are reminders that I am not pregnant anymore and that baby isn't here like she should be... sometimes I just yearn for distractions! They are good for the soul - or at least they are for mine.

But yet, sometimes, I just need to sit with my grief. Sit here and cry. Even if it was a good day. Sometimes I just need to cry. It definitely isn't as often as it was when we first lost Peanut, which was an hourly cry (at least), but there are days, or times, when there is nothing as wonderful as sitting down and sobbing. Do you ever have days like that. Where that is the only way to make it through, is to sit down, sob, and let it all out?

I am in a weird place right now. Trying my hardest to be postive, yet, finding it so hard to be. It feels like every day, another person is announcing their pregnancy, and I just want to scream - WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN??? But no one answers my question - and that leaves me feeling sad right now. There are no answers. There are no guarentees. There is just a constant pit in my stomach... but for right now, that is OK. All of this is OK, because it's where I am... and it's where I need to be. I will fight every day to be positive, but there are sometimes when all the weight of the last year just press me, and my mood, and my emotions into a deep, dark hole. And I sit there, by myself, waiting for someone to come rescue me. Or wake me up from the nightmare that I have been living in. I know what is that I need to get out of this hole. Or at least on the journey of getting out of this place. I know what it is. It just seems so far out of reach right now... and that makes me sad...

... and that is OK.

Our view on house hunting

We headed down to Dayton, Ohio this weekend to begin the adventure of house/apartment shopping. For most, this is very exciting. But for the babyloss - this is just ANOTHER reminder of what you are missing. Every place we went to, we were reminded time and time again that we don't have children. And how others do. Every. single. place. IF we had kids, we could get a bigger military house. SINCE we don't have kids, two bedrooms should be fine for us. WHEN we get around to having kids, there is a nice playground down the road. Thanks...

So, we spent Thursday afternoon/evening and all day Friday looking at a few houses, and mostly townhouses. We applied at a two bed room townhouse. Two. As Matt so gently put it "I so badly don't want to be able to fit into a two bedroom..." Me neither! Yet, I am so scared to look for a larger place (which we are still doing) because, what if that extra room sits empty for another year? What if we don't grow into that extra space?

This weekend was hard, to be honest. I cried the entire way home. For many reasons. First it was the heartache of being reminded time and time again about our lack of children (that are visible at least...) and desperately trying with all my might not to punch the naive people who reminded us. And then, I cried because it was Easter. I have a mental picture in my head of Easter last year. I was at the in-laws, playing with my one-and-only favorite niece. We had already told them we were pregnant. There was an excitement in the air. There was an excitement in me. There was a growing person in me. There were mental pictures of what this Easter would look like. A 5 month old playing with little plastic eggs. Another holiday gone by without family mentioning our little one(s). Another holiday gone by with me feeling like the only one who sees the missing high chair in the corner. Another holiday gone by where there are so many should of, would of, could ofs. If Pickle's pregnancy had gone as hoped, I would have been around 18 weeks. Axiously anticipating the upcoming ultrasound that to most is just a gender scan, but to me, is the scan that tells you if your baby is healthy and will most likely make it. But instead, I sat there counting cycle days, taking temperatures, and popping $20/day worth of pills.

I know this is supposed to be an exciting time. We are finally moving. We are allowed to try again. And don't get me wrong, I am forever grateful for all of those things and all the other many things we are blessed with in our lives. But I am forever heartbroken by all the reminders of the things we don't have and the two little ones who will never get to hunt easter eggs or stuff their faces with peeps. I miss them, desperately, each day. I miss the life that could have been. I miss joy. Maybe someday, that feeling will come back. But right now, I am in a rut. And I just need to sit here on the couch, and think of my babies, and cry. And for right now, that's OK. And maybe once some of these darn hormones get out of my system, I will feel a little better....