Our Stubborn Little Bug and Year End

Matt got us a package for a 3D ultrasound (and massage for me!) a few weekends ago. It was so great to see our little girl! However, she was being super stubborn, and still is. She is breech with her hands, feet, knees and everything else she can fit in front of her face. We have gone three times to try to see her sweet face, but only get short glimpses of a cheek or her nose. Never a full picture of her face. The place is being really awesome and letting us come back as many times as we want. After last night though, we are going to wait to see if she flips and then go back in a few weeks.


After talking with my doc this Monday, we may have to make a decision as to what we are going to do with this little girl to get her out if she doesn't flip. We still have a few weeks left before we have to decide, so please pray that she flips on her own. I am trying to listen to Matt and not stress about it until we know for sure... but that is so hard for me to do. One of my sweet BFFs even wrote us a song that we can sing to her that will get her to flip! Heehee.

As Christmas and the end of 2010 comes closer, it is hard not to feel bittersweet. This has been yet another rollercoaster of a year. I am so hoping that 2011 will only bring us good news or at least no more tragedies. A short recap of 2010:

• Found out we were pregnant with Pickle on 12/25/09. Found out we lost Pickle at 8 weeks on 1/25/10. Took a month to miscarry my little one and finally ended up needing surgery.
• Matt got accepted at his first choice internship and we became a military family.
• Found out a week before we moved that we were pregnant with our little stinker.
• Very scary first trimester with her, but so very thankful (beyond words thankful!) that she held on and is going strong today.
• Move to Ohio and away from the house that we lived in when we found out about all of our babies.
• Matt had to spend 5 weeks away from us while at training this summer.
• We both love our jobs and couldn't be more blessed in that category!
• 2010 will be the year where I was pregnant for all but 2 months of the year, yet no baby in my arms yet....
• Hearing those magical words at a 20 week ultrasound "Healthy Girl" - nothing better in this world!
• Baby showers and baby stuff filling our house.
• Finally being able to put a nursery together.
• Loving my husband more than ever.
• Having a doggy that is full of life.

Overall, I would say that there has been a lot more good in 2010 than bad. I am so thankful for the two babies that made my year what it was, and couldn't have done any of it without the support, hugs, hand holds, and love from my hubby, and puppy kisses from my dog. We have met amazing new people this year, and have gotten to see some of our best friends go on to have their own little ones and starting new careers. We have been honored to have visitors from all over to see our new house and our new lives. We got to stay with our best friends in DC for a number of days and will be ringing in the new year with them. And throughout the whole year, through the highs and lows, we have felt so very loved and taken care of - from our families, friends, coworkers and complete strangers.

We hope that the holiday season finds you and your family happy and healthy. And here is to an amazing 2011. Only 12 more days to go until it is January - and the month that we will get to hold our little girl.

Missing My Babies

I am finding that I am struggling lately. I think a lot has to do with this time of year (and possibly the hormones). Over the last few weeks, I find that I can't stop the tears. I am desperately missing my angel babies lately. Remembering back to last year this time isn't making it any easier. This was the season of Peanut's due date. 11.20.09 to be exact. We didn't do much to "celebrate" it this year, but I spent the whole day thinking about that little girl and where we would be had things been different. We would have been celebrating a one-year old birthday right around this time. It would have quite possibly been her first Thanksgiving, or at least the first one where she would have most likely been awake.

Last night we got out the Christmas stuff, and in there was her stocking. We also got one for Pickle this year. Although, we are struggling with how to incorporate them into the holiday, especially with the kicker in my tummy. I think next year is going to be even harder since we will (hopefully) have our first born with us. I sat on the stairs last night while Matt was on the couch sleeping just holding her stocking and crying. I miss her. Desperately. And I want them to always be a part of our lives - for they have shaped me into who I am now.

Christmas is going to be hard too - I know that. Last year, Christmas morning, we woke up to a positive pregnancy test. I know I will be thinking of what could have been with Pickle as well.

And I am silently saying a prayer that Natalie isn't born on January 25th - that was the day we found out our Pickle was gone....

So, you see, this time of year, is very difficult. I miss my babies. Yet, without them and all that happened to them, we wouldn't be this far along with our Natalie. It is a weird, weird place to be in.

I know this blog has mostly been focused on Natalie and our life... but for those out there also in the baby-loss community, even though I don't say it daily, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about them and miss them. And while I feel so blessed that we have made it this far with Natalie, I always think of what could have been... how different our lives would be right now.

Thanksgiving weekend

We had a very busy week, and are finally winding down.

Tuesday, two of our very best friends drove in from DC. They got here in the afternoon and we met Matt for lunch, then came home and talked for a while and then headed to base. I showed them around a little and then we met Matt at his office. And we had to continue the tradition by going to a hibachi restaurant... mmm. All was great (except for one jealous/mad puppy deciding that she wanted to get back at us). They got us a ton of incredibly cute clothes for our little bug! It was so so great! But the best part was just having some quality time with them - although, it never feels like long enough.

They headed out Wednesday and I got to baking. My parents were driving in that afternoon. But before we got here, Matt called me to tell him that they would be re-commissioning him as a Captain - That afternoon!! It only took 5 extra months! And my parents were able to make it here in time and see the ceremony. His boss had such nice things to say about him. I will definitely post pics later. So proud of him. And we actually think they are already set to pay out his back pay and to back date his paper work... amazing if that is true.

Wednesday, late, my bro and his cute wife came in and we got up Thursday morning and got to cooking and hanging out and eating and eating and eating. Matt deep fried a turkey for the first time, and while I was skeptical, it turned out great! And now we have a ton of left overs.

Friday, we headed to the air force museums and finally ditched my dad at the main on and went shopping at the BX (my mom loves the BX!).

Saturday was a long day of driving - we headed to WV for a wedding. It ended up being 4 hours there, and 4 hours back. But it was great to see everyone! I miss all our WV family so much!

Today my parents left and we vegged out and put up decorations and napped. The perfect day.

Oh, and on Thursday, I hit the single digit mark - only 9 weeks until our little girl is here (or at least her due date). Can't believe it!!! Still praying constantly that all is going to be OK and she makes it here safely. I also feel like I grew majorly this week - pictures to come.

I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving. While a lot of focus is on the food, etc... I hope you found time to think about the things in your life that you are thankful for. For me, I am thankful for so many things. To name a few - an incredibly hard working, sweet, handsome husband who is currently sleeping on the couch. A soft, sweet puppy on the floor who keeps my feet and my heart warm. My little monkey who could never kick me enough, but kicks me when I need reassurance the most, and is (hopefully) going to be the little girl that makes all of our dreams come true. My two angel babies in heaven who remind me daily of how precious life is. A warm house and two fantastic jobs. Family and friends who care so much about us, who make us laugh, and who hug us through tears.

Only 26 days until Christmas! Don't let the holiday season go to fast! (Although, this is one Christmas I would love to fast forward thur to get to January!!)

Beyond Blessed

To say that this weekend was amazing just isn't saying enough. I am still completely overwhelmed by this weekend (in such a good way!) and still on a high from all of it. Let's start from the beginning shall we:

Wednesday night - headed home for a weekend of fun!

Thursday - Matt headed to the clinic to begin/finish putting in alllllll of his dissertation data. I am so thankful for his RA who drove 2 hours both ways to be there to help him enter the mounds and mounds of data. He got most of it done. I spent the morning working and had lunch with an old high school friend, which was so great (super great!), and then went to the doc with my mom who has released her to go back to work (although not working from the office full time) and drive! Yay!! Thursday night we hung out at home and had a family dinner for my dad's birthday (which is today) and had a great time with my parents and bro/SIL.

Friday - I took the day off work while Matt headed into school to finish putting his data in. My mom and I met up with some of our old co-workers for breakfast. It was so great to see them and catch up. We had been going to breakfast once a month or so while we still lived in Michigan - it seemed like everyone in the group was going through an insanely rough time around then, so it was nice to be together and talk. And it is so nice to see that we are all slowly healing (as much as you can heal when you lose your husband, beat Stage 4 breast cancer, and lose two babies in a year)... and it was just so refreshing to be around all of them who helped us through the hardest time of our life. And they were so sweet and got us a gift certificate to Babies R Us! After that, we went home for a little while and then I got ready for my shower at my old place of work.... Oh my gosh do I miss all of these people. It was so amazing to see everyone again. They were all such a huge (to put it mildly) support when we lost our Peanut. We were so surprised by the sheer number of people who came to see us and to shower us with gifts! We left with a car load of amazing baby stuff, and with our hearts happy from seeing all these people. It made me miss them even more! Friday night we had pizza, which I had been craving and this particular pizza place doesn't exist in our new city. And then we got to see some of our best friends and hear all about their wedding (from their perspective, we were there!)/honeymoon. Love them!

Saturday was the day of my mom/SIL's shower for us. It was beautiful! The food was amazing, and the decorations were so cute! There was family, friends, neighbors, and all sorts of love to go around. Matt wanted to come to all the showers with me, which I loved, and so did everyone else. We were overwhelmed with how generous everyone was. We got some truly amazing gifts, and even better, some quality time with all these people we haven't seen in a while. As far as gifts go, we got a bunch of the cutest baby clothes, our car seat, swing, umbrella stroller, gym thing, 4 home made and insanely gorgeous quilts and a couple home made blankets, stuffed animals, books, etc. etc. One of my very best friends had a beautiful diaper cake made and shipped for the shower! It was all so great! And there was no possible way we could fit everything, so we had to leave all the big items behind and my parents will bring them down when they come on Thanksgiving. Then we packed up and headed to Matt's family's house.

Sunday we got ready for our last shower thrown by Matt's mom and Sister. It was so much fun as well!! I think my favorite part was watching our neice fall completely in love with her little cousin and love her new role as the Big Cousin. The food was awesome as well, and the cake was so darn cute (shaped like a baby buggy). We got spoiled all over again with gifts, from some adorable clothes, to our stroller, a homemade blanket, and lots of other items and Mommy advice.

We were on a high the whole way home, just talking about how amazing this whole weekend was. How we never thought we would get to the point that we would have a baby shower, let alone 3 absolutely amazing ones. (OK, well I thought that - my husband is always an optimist!) And we were completely overwhelmed by how generous everyone was! (And of course felt quilty too for how spoiled we were!).

There were of course moments of tears this weekend that really only Matt saw. The first came when one of our friends and his old co-worker gave him a gift early. She had her mother draw two little pictures of a Peanut and Pickle with angel wings. He showed it to me right before one of the showers and I just burst into tears. One of my co-workers also gave me a gift after our shower of a Peanut angel ornament. And Matt's best friends mom told us during our shower that she had had our gift for a long time, knowing that she would one day get to give it to us.

I think that is one of the greatest moments this weekend. I truly felt like people wanted to be there to celebrate with us. They had all seen us through the hardest time of our lives (and continue to see us through) and now they got to celebrate with us as we have a new little one on the way. It makes me cry right now just thinking about it.

There are so many things I am thankful for, and to write them all down would be impossible, but here are a few (and in no particular order):
- For the little girl who kicked in my tummy this whole weekend!
- For the husband who sat beside me all weekend, and every day, as we slowly watch our dreams come true.
- For the family and friends who were so generous to throw us such a amazing showers and give us such amazing gifts.
- For the doggy who sat patiently outside during the showers and put up with baby items falling on her in her cramped little space in the car on the way home.
- For the chance to finally see a nursery come together
- For all the love we felt from everyone who was there, and for those that couldn't be there, but wanted to.
- For a moment in the car, that was sent to me by my angels to tell me things would be OK. (I was talking to Matt about someone who had experienced a still birth, and how that is definitely top on my list of worries, and then from out of nowhere, we hear this one tiny little elmo toy (who, weirdly enough, came from the person I was talking about) make his little elmo laugh. Now, you may not think that is weird, but it was because we didn't go over a bump, it didn't shift or fall, and it didn't make a peep the rest of the weekend.... those are my angels!)
- For the chance to finally get to write a pile of thank you notes for things other than gifts to get me through my grief.
- For a cozy house and a warm little room that will soon be filled with the smell of baby.
- For a neice who wants to practice being a Big Cousin over Christmas break and who tells her momy how much she already loves Natalie. She was just beaming all day and it was so fun to watch!

Ahh - we are so lucky and so blessed, and we don't take it for granted. We love all of the people who were able to be there and who wanted to be but couldn't. And could never thank all of you enough for making us feel so loved and for spoiling our little girl rotten! I truly hope that all of you out there praying for your baby get to have moments like these (and soon!). We know how blessed we are, and we are thankful for every minute of it.

Christmas Cards

Every year I tell myself that I am going to hand make my Christmas cards, but every year (or most) there are so many pictures that I want to share with our Christmas cards. And I always end up ordering the photo cards. This year, Shutterfly is making it super easy for anyone who has a blog. All you have to do is blog about their awesome cards and you get 50 free cards. Cool huh?

So, I looked through their cards, and found some that I like, and I think you will like to. Here they are:

This link is for a card that uses pictures to make up a Christmas tree. Great if you have a lot of kids or a lot of pics to share!
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/picture-tree-christmas-4x8-photo-card-4x8-photo?sortType=1&storeNode=93480

I always love the ones that are not your traditional christmas colors, like this one:
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/have-a-ball-christmas-4x8-photo-card-4x8-photo?sortType=1&storeNode=93480 I think the blue and green really pop!

And don't we all just dream of being somewhere tropical during the winter to escape the cold! http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/peppermint-palms-christmas-4x8-photo-card-4x8-photo?sortType=1&storeNode=93480

Since my goal is to have all things Christmas-related done before December 1, I guess hubby and I will have to sit down and take our official picture soon so we can order some of these bad boys.

Do you send Christmas cards out every year? When do you like to send your cards out?

I know I can't wait to start seeing people's cards. It is one of the best parts of the holidays - seeing what is going on in everyone's life! So, if you are a blogger, check out their deal and get to snapping some pics!

Bloggers get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly, follow the arrow http://bit.ly/sfly2010

28 Weeks

Today is the day - I hit the beginning of the third trimester. I really can't believe it. And because of that - I think my anxiety is going through the roof this week. It has to be too good to be true right? There are so many people in my life that have had healthy, beautiful babies this week - so I must be the one right - the one that doesn't get it. Ah, my irrational thoughts. But, luckily, I have an insanely optimistic husband who brings me out of my funk and keeps me hoping. (What on earth would I do without him?)

So, I am a happy girl! Natty bug has been kicking away this morning, and I have been sitting here smiling, enjoying every minute of it.

When we found out we were pregnant on May 20th, I NEVER thought this day would come... it felt like forever away. And, now we are here. With a full nursery (with furniture at least), baby showers coming up next weekend, belly ever growing, and two very happy people who constantly day dream of holding our little girl. We feel so blessed!!

So, anxiety go away for a little while. I am too happy today to deal with you!

You are almost here baby girl! I can almost feel you in my arms! (And see your dad trying to steal you away from me.)

Tears

I have a lot of friends in the babyloss community who are now pregnant or just had their little ones. And throughout their pregnancy, they talked about the ups and downs - the downs being specifically how to get through a new pregnancy, when you still missed your other baby (or babies) so very much. Up until last night, I had been doing pretty well. I, of course, miss my little P & P, but I hadn't really cried for them since May (yes, I remember when...). Although, always at weddings I seem to miss them more - not sure what that is about. But anyway, like I said, I was doing OK, but then last night, the tears just started flowing and I couldn't stop them.

I miss them. Plain and simple. I don't know why last night brought on the water works, but apparently I needed it. To have a few moments, that was dedicated to missing them.

I think part of my feelings are due to the fact that I feel like I have been pregnant forever, or trying to get pregnant forever. It has been over two years since we first started trying, and just this Thursday will I finally be hitting the third trimester. I have been pregnant three times in that 2 year time span, yet never have I gotten this far. That makes me so happy (that I am making it that far) and so very sad for those babies who never had a chance to get this far. And it reminds me how very much I miss them.

I in deeply in love with their little sister who is being a stinker and not kicking me very much today. But I miss them. I miss the dreams I had for them. The pictures I had in my head of what life would be like with each of them. How different our world would be right now if one or both of them were here. And yet, then I become torn, because without them, and without losing them, I wouldn't be getting my little Natalie bug here (please Lord, let us get to keep her!).

So, all this hodge podge of emotions and thoughts came to a head last night, and I just had a great big cry.

And the best part of that was, my sweet husband just curled up right next to me and held my hand and let me cry. He didn't need to ask what was wrong - he knew. He knew because he misses them too.

We miss you every single day angel babies.

We have been pretty busy this last month. I had two work trips to far away places, and then we also went home for an awesome wedding and a baby shower. I think we are finally recovering from all that travel.

Baby Girl and I are doing great. She is kicking around right now as I type. Her room is looking great too. We got a call today that the rest of her furniture was in so we picked it up! I will post pictures soon. We are also slowly stocking up on books - I LOVE children's books! Our friends told us about this book sale that the library was having and we stocke up there.

Yesterday we got an awesome present on our door step - our pack n play! Yes, our house is slowly getting taken over by baby stuff - and I couldn't love it more!

My next doctor's appt is Tuesday and then I get to schedule the glucose test. I'm hoping that won't be a big deal.

This all still feels surreal to me. I am loving every minute of being pregnant though and getting to know the little kicker inside of me. I think back to this time last year and how very sad we were. Don't get me wrong, it feels like an absolute eternity between then and now. But my two angel babies have sure taught me not to take even a single moment of this so far healthy pregnancy for granted. Even things that are not so joyous - like the constant heartburn that I have. But I would much rather have that, then not have her inside of me giving me that heartburn, so weirdly, I am thankful for even those painful things. I am so thankful that we have been blessed with jobs that allow us to make her room so very pretty. I am so thankful for all the people in our life that are so excited for us. She is going to be one lucky little girl to have all these fantastic people in her life! Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with how blessed we have been with this pregnancy. And that is the surreal part - looking back, I never thought we would get to this point. I never thought that I would be able to step back in to Babies R Us and look at cute little clothes. Thank you Lord for giving us our little girl and for giving us our hope back!!

I still have my days where I worry. On Tuesday she wasn't kicking at all in the afternoon, so I was freaking out. But I pulled out my trusty doppler, and she apparently didn't like that cause she squirmed right away from that. We just can't wait until she is here in our arms!

Hope you guys have a great weekend out there!

I Remember

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. A day meant to remember all those babies who were lost all too soon. A day to remember the hearts that were broken, and the dreams that we were robbed of.

When we started trying to have a family in August of 2008 (over two years ago! wow!), we never thought that this would be our story. Never thought that we would have teeny, tiny angels in heaven. Never thought that we wouldn't get to meet, and hold, and kiss our children. But that is part of our story. And as I look back on where we were last year on this day, I find it hard to believe that in a short year we have survived so many things. We survived the passing of Peanut's due date - a date that in the beginning of 2009, brought so much hope and promise. We survived finding out we were pregnant again on Christmas morning, only to have that little baby taken from us a short month later. We survived multiple surgeries and countless tears and sleepless nights. We survived another due date passing with no baby in our arms. We survived the fear of getting pregnant yet again. We survived a rough first trimester with our little Natalie Bug, and we are still surviving to this day. We survived moving and leaving "their" house behind us.

And through all of those things, our two little angels never leave our hearts or minds. We remember them every single day. We talk to them, we tell them about their little sister and our new house. We tell them how much they are missed and how much we love them. We dream of who they would be today. We wonder if our Natalie would still be coming into our lives. We thank them for sending her to us and watching over her and their psycho mommy. And we know that they are a great source of our strength.

Our lives changed forever that sad, sad day in May 2009, when we learned that we could become a part of the Baby-Loss community. But what a community it is. Through our angels, we have met some of the most amazing people, and we have strengthened friendships with people who knew us before we became baby-loss. And while I would give anything to have our angels with us in our arms, I also know that this is meant to be our story. Without those losses, I wouldn't be 25 weeks pregnant today with a little girl who melts my heart each time she kicks my tummy. She wouldn't be blessed enough to have two guardian angels in heaven looking down on her. And we wouldn't know what it meant to love two little things so fiercely, even though we never held them in our arms. I would give anything to have them here with me, but since I can't do that, I wouldn't trade all the things they taught us. Even through the tears, sleepless nights, fears, and worries... even with all the bad we have had, I feel so blessed to have carried each of my angels for as long as I did. I have three children. And I remember and think of each of them every day.

And I remember all the angel babies that are up in heaven playing with my babies each and every day too.

So today, I hope you can take some time out and think of the people in your life who may be a part of this community. It isn't something you "get over." Even if people don't show their hurt to you, give them a hug if you know they have lost a baby today. It will mean more than anything else in the world. Remembering someone's lost baby is a gift that comes so infrequently. And we are so blessed to have such special people in our lives who take our grief seriously, cry with us, remember with us, and cautiously celebrate with us as well.

To Our Peanut and Pickle - you are NEVER forgotten. You are loved every single day. You are missed every day. And we feel blessed every day to have had you, even for a short time. Be nice to each other, take care of each other. We will get to hold you someday. But in the meantime, we hope you know how very much we love and adore you. And thank you for sending us your little sister. We love you so much! Love, Mommy

My Three Babies - two angels, one little soccer player in my tummy:

Peanut

Pickle

My Life Saver - Natalie

Natalie's Room (so far)

Natalie's Room had a big transformation this weekend. It went from white, yucky walls, to pretty green walls. It was full of junk and now it is full of her beautiful crib and dresser. I now find myself in that room many times a day just smiling, praying, and smiling some more. Here are some pictures:

Picking up the crib and dresser!

Picking out the paint color

Busy painting! He is such a hard worker!


Putting her crib together. It was surprisingly easier than we thought it would be.

Crib is all done! (Minus the matress though, which we still have to get.)

Matt put her mobile on to try out, and I was putting her bed skirt on.


Putting her valence up.


Her pretty dresser. We cannot wait until it is filled with cute pink outfits and diapers!

______________________________________________________________

We also could use some prayers - my mom is in the hospital. She fell at work on Friday and hit her head really hard and has a concussion. She has been in the hospital since and she is still really dizzy, horrible headache, not eating, and now they are concerned about her heart rate being so low. I so wish we were closer so we could go sit with her and hold her hand. Right now she needs a lot of rest, and she is trying to get that. We don't know when she will be out of the hospital, but hopefully soon. Although, if you ask her, she wants to stay in (which just goes to show that she is not feeling well at all). We are heading home Friday for a wedding... hopefully she will be out by then, but if not, we will be spending as much time as we can up at the hospital. Please pray that she feels better soon and that nothing is wrong with her heart.

Busy Beaver

I am already ready for the next two weeks to be over (for the most part). They are going to be exhausting!

I leave next Tuesday for a trip out to California for work, back on Thurs. night. Then we leave Friday for a good friend's wedding in Michigan (can't wait for that!). While there, we have a lot to do - visit with family, rehearsal dinner, wedding, and a baby shower!

Then the follow Tuesday I head out to Arizona until late on Friday night for our work conference. And in between is getting ready for the conference. But I love being busy, so it is nice. I just know how exhausted I am going to be that second weekend in October.

But for now, little girl and I are just hanging out and working - me doing stuff with email, her working on kicking and punching.

We got to pick up our crib and the dresser last Sunday. We picked out a paint color and will hopefully be painting this weekend so we can get the dresser/crib out of the way and into their new home. I cannot wait for the room to come together!!

My next appt is on Tuesday with the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor (just to make sure I am not considered high risk). Hopefully all goes well and we get the all clear from the ultrasound - but honestly, if something was wrong and they haven't called me by now (I did call to double check and they said no news was good news), then someone should expect to be punched in the head! At the minimum.

Time to get back to work. Hope you all are having a great week. It is almost Friday!

The Planners

Matt and I are planners. Always have been, probably always will be (although, my planning has temporarily slowed down after planning for Peanut and not getting to keep her, then planning for Pickle, and not realizing those dreams either....). But, anyway, the planning gene is still in there. So, Thursday, after our fantastic doctors appointment and going back to work for a little bit, we headed out. Where you ask? Well - to Babies R Us!

One of my BFFs recommended the book Baby Bargains to me, and it was fantastic (thanks Court!). While I was reading through it, I wrote down all their suggestions so we had a cheat sheet when we went to register. It was really helpful. It was so much fun to register, although, we both had to admit that we were a tad bit sad walking through the boy clothing section. Not that we aren't thrilled beyond belief that we are having a girl, we just got so used to the idea of a boy... Anyway, lots of pink and purple will be entering our lives, and we couldn't be happier. I also already ordered some bedding that I think I like (but you can never tell from pics), so waiting for that to come in, and if we like it, then we will get to painting her room.

While we were registering, we also purchased some of our big ticket items. I almost had a panic attack when they told us we could take the crib home that night (although, we couldn't because the darn box didn't fit in our car)... I was prepared for a 10-12 week wait, which is typical, and why we ordered so early... but NOPE, it is waiting at the store for us. Wow - that made it a little more real! Our dresser will be in in a week or two, so we will pick them up together. We also ordered the glider, and that will take the 10-12 weeks because it is special order (ie, didn't want the colors/fabric combos that are stocked in the store). And the little night stand will take 14-16 weeks. So crazy that the two biggest items are ready to go, and the littliest one is going to take the longest. Oh well! I would much rather have the crib and dresser early than the night stand.

We also got Natalie's first offical present (although, her sweet Aunt Lisa sent her one right when we told her we were pregnant. It is the cutest little purple shirt - but we weren't sure if baby could wear it seeing as we were convinced it was a boy). Our friends B&L sent the cutest little white boots (boots with the fur....) and some onesies and receiving blankets. Heehee! So super excited! Thanks guys!!

As you can see - we are still on cloud 9. And while the anxiety creeps in every once in a while, as soon as she kicks me, I feel a little better. And I am determined to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy as I was robbed of that in the beginning and two times before. So, if you get sick of my ramblings... too bad. :)

That's about all that is new with us right now - just bouncing on a cloud of pink and purple loveliness. :)

Have a fantastic week!

News

Well, today was the big day - the 20 week anatomy scan. And man, am I glad I went. :)

It was a long appointment - over an hour and 15 minutes. But mostly because our little one was being a stinker! That's OK with me though. I didn't get to watch as they only had one screen. But I got to watch Matt's face which was just as good. And every once in a while, they would show me something. Matt video taped it so I can still watch it later on.



So - the news - (Unofficially) a Healthy Little Girl!!!



Unofficially because the techs can't say one way or another, but two different techs gave us "unofficial, don't tell anyone we told you" results of everything looking great. Their doc looked over the report and was super happy with it. Now just waiting the Official report from my doctor. But we are still celebrating!

And after being 100% convinced that it was a boy (due to gut feelings and two intelligender tests), were were shocked to find out it was a girl. Needless to say, I broke down into tears. We would have been happy with either - but this is truly icing on the cake.

So, here she is - Miss Natalie Christine

Isn't she the most beautiful thing!? We got to see her opening and closing her mouth like a little fishy and trying to suck on her thumb.

We are over the moon in love with her, and can't wait till she is in our arms in 20 weeks!!!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day, and as I type that out, I can feel the anxiety spreading up from the pit of my stomach.

Tomorrow at 10:00 I will be laying on that dreaded bed, waiting for the gel to be put on my stomach along with that magic wand that can either make me the happiest woman on the planet, or break my heart into a million pieces all over again. I asked Matt last night if we could just not go and live in a cloud of naivity for the rest of the 20 weeks. He said no. Party Pooper.

So, instead, tomorrow at this time, I will NOT be eating my morning cereal (have you ever heard that you aren't supposed to have milk before an ultrasound? Me either - until yesterday. So weird!), and I will be be filling my bladder to the brim, breaking out into a hot sweat as I head to the hospital, and continuously praying that all we hear is "Healthy, Healthy, Healthy." And we get to walk out of there feeling a little more confident that we get to keep this little bean who loves to kick me at the weirdest times.

So, if you think about it, we could use all the prayers and positive thoughts that you have to offer.

In the meantime, I am going to pay attention and see if Walter is kicking away at his mommy, and pretend that tomorrow is just another Thursday - not one that will change my life either way.

...Oh please let it be the fantastically wonderful and much prayed for change of life... Please....


I will let you guys know as soon as I know something....

Happy (Could have been) Birthday

Happy Birthday Pickle! Today is your due date. Labor day weekend - how fitting. We thought for sure that we were going to get to hold you sometime this weekend. You were our Christmas morning miracle. But instead, you went to heaven to big with big sister. I hope she is taking good care of you up there, and you are taking good care of her. We hope you are up there celebrating some how for your could have been birthday.

Mommy and Daddy got you a cupcake and will be singing to you tonight.

We love you sweet baby!! More than words can ever say. Someday we will get to meet you again. Until then, be good, and take good care of yourself and your big sis. Look down on us from time to time if you can. And give your little sister/brother all the strength that you can to grow strong and healthy.

We love you so so much!

Love, Mommy

Same location, Different Place

I am sitting in a hotel that I have now been to twice. This current hotel room looks exactly the same as the one I was in the first time I was here. It faces the same direction, I have the same beautiful view of the ocean, every detail is the same. The last time I was here however, I was in a very different place.

We had just survived the passing of Peanut's due date (thanks to our BFF's Mike and Stacy and one fantastic cruise!). We were actually ready to start trying again, and had been (but not whole-heartedly) for a month or so. I was using Ovulation Predictor strips and also doing my temperature. I remember it as if it were yesterday. If was my first full week at my new job and I was down here on a strategic planning retreat. I was still doing my OPKs and temp even though I wasn't even close to my dear sweet hubby. And then, it happened - I got the LH surge (which meant I was about to ovulate) on Weds and I got so sad. Another month with out a baby.... Well, weird as life is, I got another surge that Friday when I was heading home to my dear husband. And that was the weekend that our sweet little Pickle was conceived. If I were reliving that week right now, it would be two days from now. Instead, I am here in reality, and instead, I am two days away from a different milestone. I am two days away from what should have been Pickle's Due date.

Our sweet littlest one, who was with us for such a short time, is due this weekend. And I have been thinking so much about that little one this week. What would have been, could have been, should have been. The hopes we had for that little one, the dreams. Our Christmas morning miracle. (That was the day we found out that I was pregnant again.)

I am not as grief stricken as I was when Peanut's due date was quickly approaching, but that doesn't mean I don't miss our little Pickle just as much. I will always wonder about that little one. There is so much we didn't know - like if it was a boy or girl. In my head, I always imagine it was a boy. That's what my gut says.

Yet, without our little Pickle (and Peanut of course), we most definitely would not be closer to getting our little Walter. I would not be sitting here in this same place, feeling the new little flutters of a baby, who wouldn't have ever come into this earth, without his two bigger siblings...

It is just so surreal to be in the same location, but so far from where I was last time I was here.

More Lab Results

In order to make sure Walter is OK, there are a series of tests that you can go through to see what your chances are that somethings is wrong. The first was the NT scan - which is the ultrasound where they look at the level of fluid behind baby's neck. It needs to be under 3mm. Our little one's was 1.3mm. (Just to give you perspective, with Peanut, they wouldn't even tell me the number - that's how scary hers was!). So - that one was PASSED!

Then you get a blood screen and they take those results, combine them with your age, and the NT measurement and come up with what your chances are that your baby has Down's or another Trisomy. All women, depending on their age, have a "number" that follows them until they get this blood test - although most don't know it. I think mine was originally 1:300 chance of Down's or another genetic disorder. After the blood test, they went to 1:10,000. PASSED!

Then, between 15 and 20 weeks, they do another blood test called the AFP. AFP is a substance that is made by the baby's liver and is in the mom's blood. They test the level - if too high, it could be an indicator of Turner's (what Peanut had), neural tube defects, abdominal wall defects, placental complications, anencephaly (where the baby has a partially formed brain or spinal cord), omphalocele (where the baby's intestines stick outside of the abdominal wall) - all scary things. If the number is too low, it could indicate Down's Syndrome. Just got our results and they were Normal! PASSED!!!

We never made it to the AFP test with Peanut. And we have never passed ANY of these tests until little Walter came into our lives.

Next test - the 20 week anatomy scan. Still waiting to be scheduling, but hoping it will be right after Labor day.

So, there is your lesson for the day kids. And this little mommy is going to go thank the Lord for all these good results, and pray for even more as we keep going through this pregnancy!

Everyday I remember them.

Dear Little Bunny Foo Foo -

You poor child - you will never know your real name. For the most part, mommy and daddy are calling you Walter. We aren't really sure why or how - but there it is. Lately, when I am home alone working, I find myself singing the Little Bunny Foo Foo song, for whatever reason. And so now, I have been calling you that in my head. You will know once you are here that we don't really call anyone by their real name, at least not on Daddy's side. Let me decipher for you:

If you here these names, this is who we are talking about:
Moomoo, Booboo, Puppy, Luppy, Dove, Baby = your daddy calling me, or vice versa
Lala = Aunt Lisa
Papa = Grandpa (daddy's dad)
Gigi = Grandma (daddy's mom)
Bobo = Your cousin Emily
Chichi, Chey Chey, Wizzle, Wiz Kid, Nubs McGee = Your Doggy Cheyenne
B-Boy = Your Uncle Brent

And I am sure there are many more names that will come, including what you will call my parent's. Yes, we are nuts! But hopefully you will love it. And I know someday it will embarass you, but that's what we are here for. :)

I wanted to tell you a little about your history, mostly so Mommy remembers in her ever aging brain.
We found out about you on May 20th. We are sorry we didn't look extremely excited from the outside. Trust us, we were. And we cried happy tears. But then of course, the immense fear set in. We couldn't lose you too!! We are sorry we let our fear take over that day. But we promise we will make it up to you. We saw your heart beating when you were only 6 weeks old. And we got to see you three more times between then and 12 weeks. My how you grew! And how you gave us lots of scares. But that's OK. We will just remember that when we are calling you silly names in front of your first boyfriend/girlfriend. :) We got good news about you each time we saw you, which was really surreal. Mommy rented a fetal doppler so I can listen to your heartbeat anytime I want. At your 12 week appt, you looked so great. Daddy wasn't there, but your grandma was and she was so excited to see you! I felt you kicking me when you were only 15 weeks old (exactly). At first I wasn't sure what it was - it felt like a fishy swimming in me or someone blowing bubbles. But after a few days of that, I was pretty sure it was you. Now I feel you every other day or so. I cannot wait till I can feel you every day.

Mommy and Daddy did a gender prediction kit (twice) - and both times it said boy. I know it isn't 100% accurate, so we aren't completely betting on that... but we will find out for sure in a few weeks! And we can't wait!

We already have your crib and room set picked out. We have a bunch of paint samples hanging in your room. We cannot wait for you to get here!

So, for now, you keep growing big and strong. We will do the rest OK?! We love you so very much. And we cannot wait to hold you in our arms!!!

Love, Mommy (or whatever cooky name you come up with for me!)

Unchartered Territory

I haven't ever been here before. I haven't ever been 16 weeks pregnant. But I am today. And I am so very thankful for that. But I also feel weird about it too, and I have been having a lot of flashbacks of last summer. I feel cheated - I am not sure that is the right word - but that't the one going through my head. I feel like I should know what this feels like, instead of asking people who are farther ahead in pregnancy then me. I feel like I have been in a perpetual state of pregnancy since March 2009, and in some ways I have. But yet, I have never gotten to this point. I have been pregnant for a total of 38 weeks in the last year, yet, I don't know what week 16 feels like. Or any of the weeks after that.

I think for some people it is hard to understand that these thoughts to through my head - they treat this like our first pregnancy (even though they know it isn't). They ignore the fact that while we are ecstatic about our little Walter and how s/he seems to be doing well so far that there are so many things that are different this time around. The fact that I have to add "so far" to all of my sentences is just one of them. The fact that I still don't feel guaranteed that come January/February, there will be a baby in my arms. I go there sometimes - yesterday I was picturing it in my head. But it is hard. It is scary. Because we are still grieving our two angels. Just because we are pregnant again and things are going well (so far), that doesn't mean that we are "over" the last year of tragedy.

Don't get me wrong, most people are really and truly wonderful with us, and get it. But there are others, that I would think SHOULD get it, that don't. But such is life I guess. And I will just continue to focus on, and be thankful for those that support us through the good and the bad.

And for now, we move on into unchartered territory. With all of my research on pregnancy, trying to conceive, etc - I have never researched week 16 and on. So, time to break out the books again and see what the rest of this pregnancy thing is all about, because, while I am petrified that something will go wrong, I also have hope that we will get to buy that furniture that we have had picked out since last April, and we will get to use those little outfits that are sitting in the cedar chest, and we will get to be like so many others with their "normal" pregnancies. (Even though we will never have a normal pregnancy.)

And today - I am going to sit here and work and smile at this little orange that is floating around in my belly blowing bubbles at me. It took me a few days, and with some advice from my best friend, to figure out that it was in fact baby Walter in there, kicking mommy. Keep kicking me baby!!! I love it! (Just don't do it when you are bigger then me OK?)

Another Great Weekend!

We had another great weekend.

Friday - Matt had his first day of "big boy" work, so he was pretty exhausted and passed out at 9. But before that, we went out to dinner and then looked around the commisary and the base exchange.

Saturday - We ended up waking up early and went out to Panera. Then headed to a city nearby for their farmer's market - which was awesome this time. We got a bunch of stuff. And then we drove a little farther out to a vintage truck show and found a vintage truck that we really want to buy. (But probably won't for a long time.) It was fun to explore this area - we found a Christmas tree place, and a dairy farm, and all sorts of neat things. I love exploring! We came home and had lunch and cleaned the house. Then in the afternoon, we met our friends at the base pool - which was really nice. And then we had them over for dinner afterwards.

Sunday - We got up late and missed church, but decided to go explore some more. We went to this awesome market that a friend told us about and got a bunch to eat and went to a park and had a little picnic. It was so nice! We did some more shopping and came home. And had a pretty low key afternoon/evening.

It was such a nice weekend.

On the pregnancy front - all is going really well (knock on wood) so far! On Friday I think I may have felt little Walter moving about, but I am not quite sure. We were too busy running around this weekend for me to concentrate of figuring it out - so that is one of my goals this week. :) Even if it wasn't, I can pretend and it makes me super happy! I still love my doppler and anytime my anxiety starts to creep up, I just turn it on and listen to that thump thump thump. Greatest sound ever! I go back to the doctor at 18 weeks, unless I can get in at the new doctor earlier then that. Which I am sure I will... just need to fill out the new insurance paperwork. We went to Lowe's yesterday and picked up some paint samples to see what color we want to paint the room. We are waiting until we find out boy/girl, but at least we can narrow down a few that we don't want for now. I really have no gut feelings either way as to whether it is a boy or girl - it flips one week and then I think differently the next.

What do you think? Boy or girl?

To me - it doesn't really matter... just as long as I hear that one magical word - "Healthy!"

He's Home! And Hello 2nd Trimester!

He's Home!!! I went down to Alabama last Tuesday and got to see Matt for a whopping 1.5 hours at 10:00 at night! But- I got to see him!! On Wednesday, his sister got in to surprise him and we got to see him for a tiny bit longer. Then on Thursday, we will pretty much on base all day as there was an orientation meeting in the morning, then we got to have lunch with him and his buddy, and the graduation ceremony. Friday was really cool because they did their big graduation parade which they had been practicing for the last 5 weeks. It was awesome! And then I got to bring him home with me.

The first stop on Saturday, after sleeping in and breakfast - was of course to Babies R Us. Back in our naive days, we would spend hours there when we were first pregnant with Peanut. Even with Pickle we did a little. But with this baby - we hadn't stepped in the door at all. It's too hard. But now that I am in the second trimester, I am feeling a little more confident. Although, every other day or so, fear creeps in. As of this Friday - I will be the most pregnant that I have ever been. It is a weird thought. 15 weeks has always been a rough number - it was when we said goodbye to our Peanut. So, to be in the 15th week, will, I am sure, be somewhat hard.

I go to the doctor today so they can check out my bleeding - which I haven't had since my last appt. Thank goodness! And then I will promptly be switching doctors some time this week. I already called to figure out what I need to do, now I just have to do it. The new place (which is on the base) sounds super nice! Not all full of attitude like my current place. Hopefully I will have more faith in these doctors/nurses than I do my current ones. I definitely got spoiled with my last doctor. If only she could move with me everywhere we go! Is that really too much to ask?! ;)

I am feeling good - every night I get the stretching pains. Which, I love! It means the little Walter is growing and pushing things around in there. I am still just as tired, but it could be due to my lack of naps lately. And lately I have been super hungry all the time. I am kind of showing, but the outside world probably wouldn't notice.

And every minute of every day, I am saying a praying that this is our turn. We aren't in the clear yet (are you ever really?). So, if you think of it, we can continue to use your prayers. And there are so many women out there that could as well. Some that have had to say goodbye all too soon to their precious babies, some that are trying desperately to get pregnant... they are all amazing women. So, say a prayer for them too if you think of it.

Happy Monday! Hope it is a great week for all!

Weird Thoughts

One of my oldest friends brought up a point that I am not sure I really really realized - I have been pregnant 3 times in 12 months. And I could get down on my knees right now and thank God for that! I have "met" many woman who are not only struggling with losing a baby, but also with infertility. And even though we have been through so much tragedy, one thing that we are blessed with is the fact that we can get pregnant rather easily. And I don't take that responsibility or gift lightly. These women have been through so much, and I have so much empathy for them. It's a club that no one wants to belong to, and I admire them so much for their strength. You women have taught me so much, and continue to teach me, through this journey.

It is really hard to wrap my brain around where we would be right now if everything had gone well with our Peanut. She would have been 8 months old this week. If she were here, I never would have been pregnant (or at least, most likely not) with Pickle. We never would have gotten that surprise on Christmas morning last year. If things had gone differently with Pickle, I would be 7.5 months pregnant - due Labor Day weekend. And obviously, I wouldn't be pregnant with our sweet little Walter - who is 13 weeks old today. Which is such a weird thought to me. Without the two previous pregnancies and the circumstances of those - this baby would have never come into our lives. Wow!

I have promised our little P&P that they will always be a part of our family - and how could they not be? Without them, we wouldn't be where we are. I guarantee we wouldn't be living in Ohio, and I probably wouldn't have the job I do (as the timing of it wouldn't have worked out). And I wouldn't have been blessed to know that Matt and I are able to create multiple lives. These little babies will always be talked about and they will always have their pictures around, and they will always have their own little stocking on our mantel. Some people may think that is weird. But they are a huge part of our story. And they always will be.

And if we are blessed enough to continue this pregnancy to full term and bring home a healthy little bundle of joy, I know that Walter will always know about his/her big siblings. Afterall - I bet they had a part in picking which little baby we got blessed with. Don't you think??
____________________________________________________

As a pregnancy update - I am 13 weeks today. Each day is a blessing! Each day I feel little twinges of a growing baby. (No not feeling the baby, but the stretching of my body parts!) I still do not have my labs back from my ultrasound last week, and I am waiting with my breath held. As I will be until the end of January! And maybe then, I will be able to take full breaths and not have constant worry. I am getting better with the worry - but as time goes without seeing the doctor and getting updates, the worry starts to creep back in. But luckily, I have my little doppler and can listen to Walter anytime I want.

We have been so blessed with the notes of congratulations and excitment we have gotten! It has been overwhelming. I already have multiple people wanting to throw a little shower for us or spoil us in other ways. And it makes me cry everytime I think about it. (Happy tears of course.)

And for today, which I have to remind myself of each day, this little baby is with me, going on its second plane ride, and being loved enourmously by all that know about him/her. Even through all the tragedy and pain - we really are lucky! And hopefuly, our luck continues, and we keep getting good news.

3rd Time a Charm??

So, I know I have been quiet on the baby-front for the last few months, and I have a very valid reason. We found out May 20th that we were pregnant with our 3rd little bean! It has been a roller coaster of a few months.

I had to have my beta levels drawn and got the first results back on the 20th - which were good. The second ones didn't double. So, needless to say we were worried sick for two days. However, the 3rd betas came back really good! I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks, and we saw a little flicker of a heart. Then, we up and moved....

I got established at a new doctor (which you know), and also had another ultrasound at 7 weeks and heartrate of 130bpm. All was looking good (although, all of my doctors up to this point were less than enthuisiastic). A few days later, I had some spotting... and more fear set in. I went into the doctor and had another ultrasound at 7 weeks 6 days and baby was measuring right on and heart still a-fluttering away at 144 bpm. Then they told me that my next appt would be at 12 weeks! AHHHH! 4 whole weeks in between. I did call them quite a few times because of more spotting. And I finally called my old doctor and the nurse gave me some reassuring answers. I am on progesterone suppositories, and she thought that that could be causing the spotting.

So - up until yesterday, we had kind of been holding our breath. We had told our parents and siblings, and those people who out-right asked us (afterall, I can't lie!). Earlier this week I had some actual bleeding, and fell apart on Tuesday. I really thought it was the beginning of the end. However, I had ordered a doppler that arrived on Wednesday, and I found that beautiful sound that melts any mommy's heart - 159bpm!!! Of course, later that night, I couldn't find it when Matt wanted me to, but I found it the next morning.

So - back to yesterday. My mom came down to go with me. If you remember - this was the scan where we found out that so much was wrong with our Peanut. So, I was petrified. Although, I had a lot of coversations with God, and going into the scan, while I was still scared, I realized I wasn't as nervous as I was before Peanut's appointment. Mother's Intuition? I first had my physical with a new doctor and really loved him. He explained every little thing, which was nice. We found the source of my bleeding and I go in in 2 weeks to have that taken care of. Although - it is all fine, no worry for me or the baby. And then we headed downstairs for the scan.

The moment I saw that little one, my heart melted. And I also knew that she/he did not have excess fluid. I have stared at Peanut's picture so many times, that I know what it looks like... and baby's measurements were perfect. NT was 1.3 - and anything under 3 is fine! So, we are well below. They found the little nasal bone too. And then she showed us all the various parts - the heart, the little fingers, each little part of the arm and the legs. I got to stare at our baby for a good 20 minutes. It was amazing. The only thing better would have been to have Matt there, but my mom video taped it for him! So - from the words of the tech "All looks perfect so far.." So, for a while now, I can breathe again. I know I will be nervous again around the 20 week ultrasound, but for now, I really really want to enjoy this!! So, I am trying. We get the blood results back in 7-10 days, so I am praying that those continue to be good news.

And I really think that baby (who we are calling Walter - for some unknown reason!) wants me to relax. Afterall, Walter was just laying there, with his/her little feet crossed at the ankles and legs in the air - like they were swinging in a hammock... so nice and relaxed. Just working on growing all the right parts and pieces in all the right places.

So - I am signing off as one happy girl! I will upload some pics once I can get them cropped.

Fingers crossed that this is actually our turn - finally!!!

Busy busy and prayers needed

I know I know, I have been MIA lately. The first week Matt was gone I was super busy with work. Then I headed back to Michigan for a wedding of some dear friends. I had a great time - although I sure did miss my dancing partner. Then I headed up to my parent's cottage in Northern Michigan for this last week. It was beautiful weather and I finally got some sun. It was nice and relaxing. But of course, missed Matt.

And speaking of - he is doing well. His training is very intense, but going well. And as of tomorrow - it will be two weeks until I get to go down and see him! So, technically we are at the halfway point, although he won't be home for a few days after that. I get to talk to him for at least a minute or two each night and catch up on his day.

I have also been lucky enough to talk/hang out with two of the Air Force ladies quite a bit (more talking then hanging out since I have been gone). They are both super awesome and I can't wait to get to know them more over this next year!! I think we are trying to keep each other distracted while are men are gone doing their thing. Before I left for Michigan, I went over to her house and had dinner and got to play with her two adorable daughters. And the other girl I have been talking to a ton through email/facebook. They are just both great!!

I head back home tomorrow then it will be off and running with a bunch of work/personal stuff. In the meantime, and if you think about it - we could use your prayers this week. We have some stuff going on which I will let you all know about in a bit - but in the meantime, we could really use your prayers.

xoxo - Katie

32 Days To Go

Well, he is off. Matt is gone for 5 weeks of intense training in very hot Alabama. This whole experience has been somewhat surreal, somewhat a pain in the butt, somewhat disappointing, and all the while very exciting! Matt got a call at 2 am this morning that his flight was cancelled. He HAS to be down there by 4:00 today (no ifs, ands, or buts - even if it is out of your control!). So, after hours of phone calls with Delta and his travel agent - I dropped him off at the airport at 5am. He is flying to Atlanta and him, and one of the other guys who is leaving from Dayton (and I am sure to be awesome friends very quickly) are going to drive to Alabama from Atlanta. I am just happy they have a plan and will get there with plenty of time. This is just the last thing in a long line of things that haven't gone right - but in the end, he will get there, and he will get his training. And I will miss him terribly.

We had a fantastic weekend though. Friday we went to a Korean war memorial with fly overs and fantastic fireworks (we pretended it was the 4th). Saturday we did some shopping, went to a farmer's market, and then went to a drive in movie at night. We had quite the set up - Matt put the air matress in the back of our SUV. It was so comfy - until it sprung a leak. We saw Toy Story 3. It was super cute. A Team was playing afterwards, but it didn't start till midnight, and seeing as the Toy Story moving was past my bedtime, we didn't stay. But it was a great night snuggling with my man under the stars. Sunday we just hung out at home, but had some great visitors. Matt's step mom and sister were driving through and stopped by. And my brother and sister-in-law drove out of their way to come over for dinner on their way home. We were super excited to have our first dinner guests!

So, now I am planning on getting a ton done this week, both with work and with the house. I leave Saturday for a wedding and then heading to my parents cottage for a while. Super excited! And it will hopefully help make the next 32 days fly by!!

Hope you all had a great weekend as well!

Father's Day

Another Father's Day. I so wish this day could be different for the man I am married to. If anyone on this planet deserves a baby to be with them on Father's Day - it is my husband. I know when/if we ever get a healthy baby on this planet, I will have to fight with him to just hold the child. There are so many father's in this world that let their children down, but I know, without a doubt, that my husband won't. If you can believe it, the thing that he is most scared about in life is whether or not he will be a good dad... but if you have ever met him, even for a second, you would have no doubts. The amount of love that this man has in his heart for his babies just beams from his eyes on a daily basis. And I can't imagine what it will be like when he gets to hold one of them baby.

Matt, Happy Father's Day. You have already shown how much you love your babies, and they are so darn lucky to have YOU as their daddy. Part of my greatest saddness through all of this is watching your heart break each time we get bad news. But someday we will have our turn, and someday you will get to hold your baby, and our hearts will be full again. I cannot wait for that day. You deserve it so much. And any baby would be lucky to have you as a dad!! And I know that your angels are up there in heaven today, smiling down on the goofy daddy that is theirs.

We love you - all of us - with all of our hearts! Happy Father's Day to a true daddy.

Love, me, your babies, and your puppy

Update on Our Lives

We are slowly getting unpacked. I would say the house is about 80% done - it is all the boxes of stuff we want to keep, but don't use often. I hate that. And without a basement, we have to find somewhere to put the stuff. Matt has been spending a ton of time in his Man Garage - getting it all set up. He is having so much fun! It's super cute. And he has done a good majority of the unpacking of the house too.

Last week we met with a new doctor down here, to get established at a practice. I was so nervous going in - I hate change. And I just didn't think they would understand or be as awesome as my old doctors. But, he was pretty good. I liked him, and he put a lot of my worries at ease. (At least for a day or two!)

We are going camping this weekend with D&C! And all the dogs of course. It is supposed to be hot, but it will be fun either way.

And mostly, just trying not to think about the fact that I have two weeks left with Matt before he leaves for 5 weeks. :::Pout, pout:::

Back to work I go... Have a great week!

The Man I Love

Today, I have been married to the man I love for 4 amazing years. It has been the happiest years, and the hardest years.

The man I love is the kindest man
The man I love is the sweetest man
The man I love adores me just about as much as I adore him
The man I love is sensitive
He knows when I need to cry, when I need to laugh, when I need a distraction
The man I love gave me my babies
The man I love makes me laugh so hard
The man I love is beyond handsome
The man I love cares more about others than he cares about himself
He amazes me every day, and today, and every day, I am proud to be married to him.

And, when he asks me what the best part of the last 4 years have been, his answer is the same as mine - making our beautiful babies.

In our 4 short years of marriage, we have had the most difficult days of our lives. We have endured things that people can't even fathom. We have held hands as we have gotten earth shattering news time and time again. We have been through it all together. We grieve together - in our own ways, but always together.

But through all those tears, we have had the most outstanding times. We have had so many successes. We have been blessed with so many amazing opportunities that we do not take for granted.

I am so lucky to be married to this man... I love him more than words can say!

Happy 4th Anniversary Sweet man - I am very much looking forward to all the years ahead of us as we continue on this crazy journey we call life!

Officer Matt

Well, it was a long time coming, but my hubby is FINALLY commissioned. However, it is not at the correct level. There was a major screw up that many people missed that put him a level lower then what he was supposed to be (which means so much more in the military world then one would think - not counting the huge amount of money we are out until it gets fixed). He was heartbroken yesterday when everyone finally figured it out... but being the amazing man that he is, he didn't let it get him down that much. He was sad and disappointed, but on the flip side, he will probably go down in the history books as the quickest promotion in the history of the Air Force. :)

Today was the commissioning ceremony. His recruiter drove 5 hours to come down here and attend the ceremony. It was nice. His new boss read him the oath and Matt repeated. He was so cute and nervous. All the current residents were in the room with us (totally unexpected and so nice!). Then there was a nice speech about how great Matt is and what a mess this whole screw up is, but how wonderfully he handled it. Then his boss and I got to pin him with his bars (even though they were the wrong ones). Lots of pictures, lots of clapping and lots of paperwork - and he is now officially a reserve in the Air Force. He doesn't become active duty until he reports for his training at the end of the month. He was been so smiley the rest of the day. I am so so proud of him!! Here are some pics of the event:

Taking the oath

First official salute!

Getting his bars pinned on.

Matt's boss, and myself, and Matt with his fancy bars on.

Certificate

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to the love of my life! Today you turn the big 2-8! Getting old! :) I hope you have a perfect day. I hope you like your birthday presents. I hope you know how special you are to me. How I couldn't have survived this last year + without you. And how amazing you are. I am so proud to be married to you, and so happy that I get to share all of life's big moments with you - including today! I love you more then anything! Happy Birthday!

___________

As for the rest of our life, we are staying super busy! We have been packing away as we move THIS Sunday! So crazy! Friday we had a nice day remember our Peanut. We released 15 pink balloons (one for each week she was with us) and one white one (for Pickle) with notes written on them. We had a nice quiet day at home, working, and a nice dinner. Then we had angel food cake in honor of our angel. I can't believe it has been a year since we lost her! It was a sad day, but also just a day focusing on remember her, and not the sadness.

We spent most of the rest of the weekend packing, hunting boxes, and packing some more. We also got to go to Matt's parent's house to celebrate all of their birthdays (all born in June - except for me and our niece). It was a great day! We went to the farmer's market for the last time in between our box hunts. We went to one of our favorite restaurants with some of our great friends last night and have a great time. As for the rest of the week, one thing we won't be doing is cooking!

Today, we both have lunch with old co-workers. Then birthday dinner at our favorite pizza place.

Tomorrow, lunch with a great friend (or two), and dinner with an old co-worker.

Thursday, appointment at lunch time, and dinner with my family for Matt's birthday.

Friday, heading to Detroit to celebrate Matt's sister's 30th Birthday!

Good thing we packed away all of our kitchen stuff - since we won't need it! This week is going to fly. We are hoping to be able to get the U-Hauls (all three of them!) on Saturday so we can begin loading them up. Sunday we are hoping that some of our friends and strong men in our lives will come over to help us load it up, then we head off!! So crazy! I still am not quite sure that it has sunken in. I will miss this house, but am also so ready for a fresh start.

Happy "Monday" to all! Love short weeks!

May 28th

Dear Sweet Peanut,

I am writing to you today, instead of tomorrow, because I am not sure I will be able to get any words out tomorrow. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of when you left us. Some days it feels like years ago, and some days it feels like it was just yesterday. I still remember that day, oh so vividly.. almost too vividly. There are so many things about that day that I would change if I had the power to, most of all - to make you better and keep you forever.

On that day, one year ago, we said goodbye to you, our first baby. Our little girl. You were with us for 15 magical weeks. You defied odds and lived so much longer than any doctor thought you would. You were such a strong little girl. And ever a happy one. At least that is how I like to think. Every time we saw you on an ultrasound, you always waved your little hand at us.

We were in love with you before we even knew you were coming. The moment we saw the word "pregnant" on that stick, we were puddles of goo for you. We would have done anything for you. But in the end, it looks like you have done more for us. Which isn't the way that life is supposed to be, but we aren't going to take what you taught us for granted.

You taught your mommy and daddy to cling to each other. And we have. We love each other more deeply now than we ever could of before. We have survived together. We have known a love that created a perfect little girl. You have taught us to dream. We had so many dreams and plans for you. Your daddy started working on your room the day we found out about you. You have taught us to hope. I think this has been the hardest lesson for me, but I am getting there. You have taught us how precious life truly is, and what a miracle we all are. And most of all, you have taught us to be better people. To be more understanding, to see the hurt in people's eyes, and to feel their pain with them - because we know what it feels like when people abandon us in our pain - and we won't ever do that if we can help it.

You changed the world in your short little life. You have brought people into our lives that would never be here if it weren't for you. You have allowed people to open up their hearts and lives to us, that would have been too scared to before.

So much has happened in this last year that it is hard for me to even get my brain around it. But one thing has stayed the same, and that is the presence of you in our lives. You are in everything I do. You are everywhere I go. I take you with me, and I try to honor you in everything that I do. You are a constant source of hope and guidance for me - and oh what I would give to reverse our roles! When I am scared, you are who I talk to. When I need hope, I look for you, and there you are.

I would give up anything to be celebrating your 6 month birthday with you. I would do anything to be packing up your little baby stuff for our big move and getting so excited about how we would set up your new room. I would give anything for just one more day with you wiggling inside of me.

But instead, tomorrow we will be sending you (and your little sibling, of course) a note via balloons. Look for them OK? We want the heavens to know how special and loved you are. And on this Memorial weekend - you will be what we are remembering. You will be who we are missing.

A year ago today was the hardest day of our lives. Letting go of you was impossible to do, but somehow we had to. I want you to know that I still know what it feels like to have you inside of me. I still remember seeing your face on that little screen. I want you to know that your picture still sits on the nightstand, and your teddy bear still gets snuggled with. Your name is spoken every day. People know about you. People miss you. But none more than me and daddy. Every day sweet baby. You are loved every day.

Now, be a good girl up there. Be nice to your little sibling and give them lots of kisses and hugs for us. We will be up there someday to hold the two of you, and we cannot wait for that day. But in the meantime, know how much you are loved and missed. And know what a big part of our lives you will forever be.

Good night by sweet baby girl. Sweet dreams...

Love, Mommy

Crazy Busy Weekend

Ahh - feet are finally up on the couch! It was quite the weekend - it was our last pig roast at our house! This is the 4th year we have done them. For those that don't know - the history of the pig roast started when we moved into our soon-to-be missed house, which just happens to be on 20 acres. Matt and his buddies in the psychology department got the idea the first summer we were here to have a Psychology Pig Roast - and so began the tradition. We had one every summer but last summer (we were in hiding due to immense grief and didn't want to deal with pigs or people...). But we came out of hiding this summer for our last, goodbye pig roast. And it was QUITE the event.

Every pig roast starts with a boys night on Friday (while I am buzzing around the house trying to get all the last minute details ready). They skin the pig (very gross) and rub it in all sorts of spices, then inches of foil. Then of course there is usually poker and beer. This year was pretty much the same, except the boys got a late start and were too tired for poker. And I have the company of one of my bestest friends once she got into town. Her and I didn't really do any work, but sure had lots of good conversations!! Right Court?

Saturday morning a few of the boys came back and dug the hole (yes, we put the piggy in the ground to cook!) along with the pig-master's wife, who just happens to be my college roommate. About an hour later, after getting the coals ready, the piggy went in the ground, and more prepations are done. This year, Matt and David had the great idea (although, at the time I thought it was dumb) to build a Giant Jenga set... it was the hit of the party! And I was pretty darn good at it if I do say so myself! :) So, David and Court came over early and the doggies ran all around, Court made her potato salad, the boys did their boy things, and I putzed around. Then, out of nowhere - this car pulls in to our driveway. I had to do a double take - it couldn't be! One of my other BFFs was pulling into my driveway! But she was supposed to be at home, hundreds of miles away, working the weekend away! Ahh - a site for sore eyes! It was such an awesome surprise, that my hubby just happened to know about for months! I was totally surprised. Unfortunately, her hubby was unable to come. But we tortured him all day with pictures of all the fun he was missing out on.

Around 1:00, people started trickling in and by 4:00 - the party was hopping. There was all sorts of lawn games, Giant Jenga, good coversations, lots of good friends, and people we haven't seen in a while. And, a lot of people who have never been to a pig roast. And both of our families! (Which meant the world to us!) Lots of goodbyes as well.

The piggy came out at 6:00 and the mad dash for dinner began. It was soooo yummy! There was so much food! It was fantastic. Then back to more lawn games, and world domination of Giant Jenga. Once it got dark, our friend brought out his 14 foot inflatable movie screen and mondo-speakers. So, there was beyond-real-life size guitar hero and Wii. It was AWESOME! Those who weren't playing, sat around the bonfire and smore'd it up!

The weather was perfect, there was a great showing of people, and most of my very best friends in the world, and a good chunk of our families were here. What more could a girl ask for?? It was the perfect end (or almost end) to a LONG and difficult month. It was the perfect way to end the pig roast tradition. It was great to have my two biggest supporters in the world FINALLY able to meet each other and for both of them to be here even though they live way too far away. It was great to see some friends who I haven't seen in a long time. Cacthing a theme here - it was great!

And it didn't end there - we had a few people, including Matt's sister and our niece, soon-to-be Dr. Will, and my surprise present Stacy spend the night. We all headed up to a college breakfast spot and met Bill and his fiance, Lindsay up there. Great morning! Came home, cleaned some more, David and Court and Andrew stopped by. Returned cans to the store, continued packing... and now, finally crashing as Matt heads off to watch the finale of Lost. (I am too far behind to watch it yet! No spoilers).

Ahh, my soul feels refreshed. Now, back to packing... or maybe a nap...

Inspiration from a Bird

I have been wathing this little bird on our deck this morning. At first all I could hear was a weird bird chirp/cry. Then he flailed himself into our door and tried to climb up the screen. And then I saw him take more and more chances. He walked around and jumpled onto a chair, onto the arm of the chair, onto the table. And then slowly walked to the edge. Went back and forth, back and forth, and finally tried to fly. It didn't work - he fell. But guess what? He waddled back over to the chair, jumped up on the seat, jumped up on the arm, then the table. Wandered over to the edge, prepared himself, then jumped, with so much faith... and fell... Poor guy. He tried again though - 3rd time was the charm, and he flew away with his buddy (or maybe the bird was a girl and she was flying away with her patient hubby bird who was watching on, always encouraging her).

So there it was - me sitting here comparing my life to this little bird. I hear ya birdy - I know those cries. I know what it feels like to fall time and time again. And to be so scared to jump, but doing it anyway. And I am hoping, like you, our third time is the charm....

Medicine for my Soul

There is something about getting together with someone who "gets" you - 100%. I met a new friend today for lunch. We met through an online support group and we had very similar stories. In fact, we were due just 6 days away from eachother last year. We sat at Panera for about 2.5 hours and it felt like we had known each other forever! I wish I could do something like this every day. It is good for my soul and my mood!

Not to say anything bad about the people in my life who also listen. I couldn't live without you! But like I said above, it is just different with someone who has been there. Lived through hearing the life changing news, and dealing with the heartbreak. I never wish that anyone else goes through it - but those that have, it is so nice to "find" them in real life and talk about our babies and our stories.

So, thank you for "finding" me D and for letting me talk about my babies and my story and for sharing your darling daughter with me. It was exactly the medicine I needed!! And so much better then any of these medications that my doctors are prescribing!

Now - back to packing up our house!

Treadmill

This is what my life feels like. But instead of a carrot - I am racing towards getting our baby, yet getting no closer. And I think I look like this little guy too - blood shot eyes, exhausted looking, frantic! Pretty much sums me up.

June will be 22 months of trying for a baby. Twenty Two! Some days I wonder if we should give up for a while, and try again later. Some days I regret not giving in to my hubby's begging to start trying earlier (he has been ready to be a dad since he was 10 - I swear!). Maybe we would have our baby by now if we started 4 years ago...

And then I realize that there is NOTHING I can do about not starting earlier. And that, as one of my dear best friends said to me recently, I can't give up hope either. Some days are just so hard to keep up the faith that this is going to happen though. Especially when I am surrounded by people who didn't know if they wanted children or weren't ready when we started trying, but are now way ahead of us. I know it isn't a race. My rational side knows that. But my emotional side keeps picturing where I should be... all sorts of places besides frantically chasing after a carrot that is not getting any closer.

But someday, I will get that carrot, one way or another. And you better believe I won't be sharing my carrot (OK, maybe with Matt...).

Countdown to June

I have decided to have a countdown to June - because my goal this month is to survive it and get to June 1. May has been a really rough month so far. I feel like I am back where we were last year (although, not quite as bad).

Here are the things we have coming up that will make this month go faster or slower, depending on the event:

• Waiting for Matt to get his go-ahead to get commissioned into the Air Force - SLOWER
• Meeting one of my online support group girls on Saturday - can't wait! - FASTER
• Good friend's graduation party - so proud of her! - FASTER
• Looking at all the stuff in our house that needs to be packed, but not sure if we can pack it yet (due to lack of military orders) - SLOWER
• Farewell Pig Roast - FASTER for sure!
• May 28th - Peanut's Angelversary - SLOWER and heartbreaking
• Possibly going to Indy 500 with BFFs depending on when orders come in - FASTER
• Looking at Facebook far too often - SLOWER
• 20 Days left to this darn month - SLOWER
• Countdown to next doctor's appt or blood test - SLOWER
• Planning hubby's birthday presents - FASTER
• Lots of good projects for work - FASTER
• Rainy days - SLOWER
• Meals with all my favorite people before we move - FASTER

OK - tied. 20 days left until this month is over!!

Flowers

My house is full of flowers. I love it!! On Saturday, my sweet hubby surprised me with all sorts of flowers for Mother's Day (and to help get me out of my funk). He got me beautiful Calla Lillies, and then I got flowers from my three babies - pink tulips from Peanut, white tulips from Pickle, and of course Purple from my 4-legged baby. And on Sunday, my brother and sister-in-law brought me flowers too!

It was a rough weekend to say the least, but we made it through. And so far, have had a great Monday, with two very supportive people taking me out for meals and great conversation!

It was also a good weekend too though, for various reasons. One of which is that our house was full of our families on Sunday morning for a brunch (not a coffee though! :) ). It was great to have them all together and enjoy a nice Sunday morning! I sure do love and adore my two moms!

We are hoping that Matt gets commissioned this week, so we can finally call the movers - fingers crossed!

Nothing else big to report - just waiting on lots of things right now it seems. I think my middle name should be changed to "waiting" at this point. :)

So, now, I am going to wait for my hubby to get home. Hope everyone has a good night - whoever is out there reading this!

Caution: Handle With Care

Sometimes I wish I could wear a sticker around that says that... Caution: Handle With Care!

This has been a rough week - remembering how last year was. And with Mother's Day fast approaching - a day where I get to celebrate all the mom's in my life (who I am so thankful for), but don't get to celebrate myself. As, to the outside world, there is nothing here to show that I am a mother. And many don't consider me one. But I am a mother (and I am saying this as much for myself as for anyone).

I love my babies before they are growing inside of me.
I do anything in my power to give them everything they need, a warm home, healthy food, plenty of rest.
I make sure that they don't feel any pain in this world. Or at least pray that they never did.
I give them their daily vitamins.
I love them daily, and miss my two babies more than life itself.

As for the babies I have yet to have, I do the same as above.
I go through countless sonograms, blood tests, procedures to make sure that everything is OK for them.
I take, on any given day, at least $20 of medicine to make sure I can get them as healthy as possible.
I get shots in my stomach.
I pray for them, hope for them, dream of what their life could be like.
I picture snuggling them and spoiling them rotten.
I can't imagine my life without them.
And I (not so) patiently wait for them.

And all of these thoughts never really entered my mind until my hubby brought them to my attention... We are doing so much for these little babies. Yet, to so many, we are not parents. But that's OK. Because those people don't really get it.

And you know what - I wouldn't change anything above. Yes, I would have my two babies here with me in a heartbeat, but they have taught me so much in their short little lives. And if I can't get them back, then I will forever be thankful for what they have given me. Afterall, they are the ones who have made me a mommy. And they have made me more fragile. But I think the world could use a little more caution... don't you?