As I sat in my glider last night, rocking with a little girl who just wanted to be held, all I could think about was how lucky I am to have moments like that. Two years ago today was the day that will be forever etched in my brain - our first due date. And as Natalie lay sleeping there, I kept thinking about how different things would have been IF... If Peanut hadn't been sick, If we didn't lose her... who would she have been? Would she have been anything like this spunky little snuggler in my arms? Now that we are more than 2 years out from losing our first little girl, some things have changed, some things haven't. I can still remember the smell of that doctor's room when we got the news, how the lights were really low and how we just trembled. I can remember the tears and the sleepless nights like it were yesterday. I can remember waking up every single morning for over a year with a knot in my stomach that wouldn't go away. Yet, two years later (more so really), if you were to peak in our windows at any given point, the picture of our family looks like a happy one - and we are. Not a day goes by that I do not feel blessed to have our Natalie. Even on days like this last Friday when her and I were driving each other crazy - I still stopped every once in a while and looked at the girl who was squaking like a dinosaur and who wouldn't nap, and just smiled at her and kissed her (and then she would push me away! haha!)... knowing that these were the moments that I was desperate to have.
So today, on the two year anniversary of Peanut's due date.. all I can think is - how has it ONLY been 2 years, and how has it already been two WHOLE years... So much has changed, yet there are things that haven't - like how much I miss her.
Thank you Peanut for making me a mom, and thank you for making me the mom that I am. I think I have more patience because of you. Because of you I treasured those 3 am wake ups and the sleepless nights with a newborn. I can handle the fussy mussy little girl who comes out every once in a while because of you. Every day I remind myself of what I would have given for those moments with you, and I vow to keep my promise to you to never take those for granted. And when people refer to Natalie as a "little Peanut", I can now smile and think "Yep, she sure is!"
And thank you to those who remembered what today is.... you know who you are... and you know how much I love you. Thank you for loving me and ALL my babies!
I know what you mean. Mothers who complain about not getting enough sleep and, tired, aching arms after having carried a perfectly healthy baby around all night, just don't know what it feels like to be deprived of sleep because all you're aching arms know is the emptiness of the little one who's missing and, the longing for what should have been...
ReplyDelete