Distractions

Distractions are a wonderful thing. Sometimes I go through phases where I really NEED distractions, and now is one of those times. I am finding that I am having a really hard time being positive. So distractions, without the constant reminder of what life SHOULD be life right now, are just so wonderful. Although they are hard to find sometimes. Because, no matter where you go, there is always a pregnant woman, or a newborn, or someone asking you how many children you have. I read this quote earlier this week, and it is totally how I am feeling:

"That's the pit in my stomach. It is the sensation of endlessly falling into another day that is filled with the absence of what I want most."

Whenever I am home by myself, the tv or radio has to be on. The silence is just too heartbreaking. And with all the other things going on in our life (the pills, the counting, the doctors) - all of which are reminders that I am not pregnant anymore and that baby isn't here like she should be... sometimes I just yearn for distractions! They are good for the soul - or at least they are for mine.

But yet, sometimes, I just need to sit with my grief. Sit here and cry. Even if it was a good day. Sometimes I just need to cry. It definitely isn't as often as it was when we first lost Peanut, which was an hourly cry (at least), but there are days, or times, when there is nothing as wonderful as sitting down and sobbing. Do you ever have days like that. Where that is the only way to make it through, is to sit down, sob, and let it all out?

I am in a weird place right now. Trying my hardest to be postive, yet, finding it so hard to be. It feels like every day, another person is announcing their pregnancy, and I just want to scream - WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN??? But no one answers my question - and that leaves me feeling sad right now. There are no answers. There are no guarentees. There is just a constant pit in my stomach... but for right now, that is OK. All of this is OK, because it's where I am... and it's where I need to be. I will fight every day to be positive, but there are sometimes when all the weight of the last year just press me, and my mood, and my emotions into a deep, dark hole. And I sit there, by myself, waiting for someone to come rescue me. Or wake me up from the nightmare that I have been living in. I know what is that I need to get out of this hole. Or at least on the journey of getting out of this place. I know what it is. It just seems so far out of reach right now... and that makes me sad...

... and that is OK.