We headed down to Dayton, Ohio this weekend to begin the adventure of house/apartment shopping. For most, this is very exciting. But for the babyloss - this is just ANOTHER reminder of what you are missing. Every place we went to, we were reminded time and time again that we don't have children. And how others do. Every. single. place. IF we had kids, we could get a bigger military house. SINCE we don't have kids, two bedrooms should be fine for us. WHEN we get around to having kids, there is a nice playground down the road. Thanks...
So, we spent Thursday afternoon/evening and all day Friday looking at a few houses, and mostly townhouses. We applied at a two bed room townhouse. Two. As Matt so gently put it "I so badly don't want to be able to fit into a two bedroom..." Me neither! Yet, I am so scared to look for a larger place (which we are still doing) because, what if that extra room sits empty for another year? What if we don't grow into that extra space?
This weekend was hard, to be honest. I cried the entire way home. For many reasons. First it was the heartache of being reminded time and time again about our lack of children (that are visible at least...) and desperately trying with all my might not to punch the naive people who reminded us. And then, I cried because it was Easter. I have a mental picture in my head of Easter last year. I was at the in-laws, playing with my one-and-only favorite niece. We had already told them we were pregnant. There was an excitement in the air. There was an excitement in me. There was a growing person in me. There were mental pictures of what this Easter would look like. A 5 month old playing with little plastic eggs. Another holiday gone by without family mentioning our little one(s). Another holiday gone by with me feeling like the only one who sees the missing high chair in the corner. Another holiday gone by where there are so many should of, would of, could ofs. If Pickle's pregnancy had gone as hoped, I would have been around 18 weeks. Axiously anticipating the upcoming ultrasound that to most is just a gender scan, but to me, is the scan that tells you if your baby is healthy and will most likely make it. But instead, I sat there counting cycle days, taking temperatures, and popping $20/day worth of pills.
I know this is supposed to be an exciting time. We are finally moving. We are allowed to try again. And don't get me wrong, I am forever grateful for all of those things and all the other many things we are blessed with in our lives. But I am forever heartbroken by all the reminders of the things we don't have and the two little ones who will never get to hunt easter eggs or stuff their faces with peeps. I miss them, desperately, each day. I miss the life that could have been. I miss joy. Maybe someday, that feeling will come back. But right now, I am in a rut. And I just need to sit here on the couch, and think of my babies, and cry. And for right now, that's OK. And maybe once some of these darn hormones get out of my system, I will feel a little better....
hugs hugs hugs!!!!
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