Three Years of B&B

For our last three anniversaries, we have got to one of our favorite places on the planet. A winery/B&B in Northern Michigan. It is one of the most relaxing places we have ever been too. The food is fantastic, the rooms are great, and free access to the tasting room - what could be better? I was thinking over the weekend how different all three years looked.

In 2008, to celebrate our 2nd anniversary, we went there for the first time. Our lives seemed so simple back then. We hadn't started trying for a baby yet, so we had no idea what rollercoasters were ahead of us. It was a great weekend of sitting outside on the deck, eating cake, drinking wine, and exploring the area. It was so relaxing.

Last year, we went shortly after we lost Peanut. There aren't words to say how difficult it was. I couldn't drink (due to the surgery I had to have) and we cried a lot that weekend. I remember walking into a cute store, and there was a baby onesie that said "Peanut" on it... my heart broke. Last year was the summer of 'could have/should have beens'. We shouldn't be up there, at a winery, because I should be pregnant. It was a nice place to go to escape and where we knew there wouldn't be any babies and chances are, no pregnant women.

This year, we went early since we are going to be moving around our anniversary. Looking back on last year, I think I have made a lot of progress in my grief work. There is always that pit in my stomach from missing my babies. Always. But the tears weren't there this year. And, as luck would have it, it was the only two days out of the month that I wasn't on any medicine (which now makes me realize how exhausted that medicine makes me!!). So, drinks were had! I needed it after the week we had last week... It was nice to escape. There were kids there this year, three older boys. But all the couples we talked to, young and older, none of them asked if we had kids. it was partly refreshing, and partly makes me wonder if the younger couples are going through something similar. It took everything in me not to start a support group right then and there. :) Overall, it was a great weekend, and we know that this B&B will be there for us - come rain or shine. It is a respite we can go to to escape, to celebrate, to reenergize, to cry, to remember, and to hope. Hoping ever year that next year's "picture" of our life will look different, a little happier, a little bit bigger.

And that is one thing I realize after this weekend (if not long before). No amount of medication, procedures (as long as they are necessary... different story), exhaustion, tears, bad news, awful news, or no news, is going to keep me from getting my baby. One way or another.... I guess we will just have to wait and see what that route is. And for the most inpatient person on the planet (me), this is all a gigantic test of what little patience I do have... But every month is a new start, and begins with hope. So, here we go on the second round of meds, with a new plan and a different doctor (although, still seeing my favorite one!)... hoping it works one of these times!