Same location, Different Place

I am sitting in a hotel that I have now been to twice. This current hotel room looks exactly the same as the one I was in the first time I was here. It faces the same direction, I have the same beautiful view of the ocean, every detail is the same. The last time I was here however, I was in a very different place.

We had just survived the passing of Peanut's due date (thanks to our BFF's Mike and Stacy and one fantastic cruise!). We were actually ready to start trying again, and had been (but not whole-heartedly) for a month or so. I was using Ovulation Predictor strips and also doing my temperature. I remember it as if it were yesterday. If was my first full week at my new job and I was down here on a strategic planning retreat. I was still doing my OPKs and temp even though I wasn't even close to my dear sweet hubby. And then, it happened - I got the LH surge (which meant I was about to ovulate) on Weds and I got so sad. Another month with out a baby.... Well, weird as life is, I got another surge that Friday when I was heading home to my dear husband. And that was the weekend that our sweet little Pickle was conceived. If I were reliving that week right now, it would be two days from now. Instead, I am here in reality, and instead, I am two days away from a different milestone. I am two days away from what should have been Pickle's Due date.

Our sweet littlest one, who was with us for such a short time, is due this weekend. And I have been thinking so much about that little one this week. What would have been, could have been, should have been. The hopes we had for that little one, the dreams. Our Christmas morning miracle. (That was the day we found out that I was pregnant again.)

I am not as grief stricken as I was when Peanut's due date was quickly approaching, but that doesn't mean I don't miss our little Pickle just as much. I will always wonder about that little one. There is so much we didn't know - like if it was a boy or girl. In my head, I always imagine it was a boy. That's what my gut says.

Yet, without our little Pickle (and Peanut of course), we most definitely would not be closer to getting our little Walter. I would not be sitting here in this same place, feeling the new little flutters of a baby, who wouldn't have ever come into this earth, without his two bigger siblings...

It is just so surreal to be in the same location, but so far from where I was last time I was here.