Missing My Babies

I am finding that I am struggling lately. I think a lot has to do with this time of year (and possibly the hormones). Over the last few weeks, I find that I can't stop the tears. I am desperately missing my angel babies lately. Remembering back to last year this time isn't making it any easier. This was the season of Peanut's due date. 11.20.09 to be exact. We didn't do much to "celebrate" it this year, but I spent the whole day thinking about that little girl and where we would be had things been different. We would have been celebrating a one-year old birthday right around this time. It would have quite possibly been her first Thanksgiving, or at least the first one where she would have most likely been awake.

Last night we got out the Christmas stuff, and in there was her stocking. We also got one for Pickle this year. Although, we are struggling with how to incorporate them into the holiday, especially with the kicker in my tummy. I think next year is going to be even harder since we will (hopefully) have our first born with us. I sat on the stairs last night while Matt was on the couch sleeping just holding her stocking and crying. I miss her. Desperately. And I want them to always be a part of our lives - for they have shaped me into who I am now.

Christmas is going to be hard too - I know that. Last year, Christmas morning, we woke up to a positive pregnancy test. I know I will be thinking of what could have been with Pickle as well.

And I am silently saying a prayer that Natalie isn't born on January 25th - that was the day we found out our Pickle was gone....

So, you see, this time of year, is very difficult. I miss my babies. Yet, without them and all that happened to them, we wouldn't be this far along with our Natalie. It is a weird, weird place to be in.

I know this blog has mostly been focused on Natalie and our life... but for those out there also in the baby-loss community, even though I don't say it daily, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about them and miss them. And while I feel so blessed that we have made it this far with Natalie, I always think of what could have been... how different our lives would be right now.