Tears

I have a lot of friends in the babyloss community who are now pregnant or just had their little ones. And throughout their pregnancy, they talked about the ups and downs - the downs being specifically how to get through a new pregnancy, when you still missed your other baby (or babies) so very much. Up until last night, I had been doing pretty well. I, of course, miss my little P & P, but I hadn't really cried for them since May (yes, I remember when...). Although, always at weddings I seem to miss them more - not sure what that is about. But anyway, like I said, I was doing OK, but then last night, the tears just started flowing and I couldn't stop them.

I miss them. Plain and simple. I don't know why last night brought on the water works, but apparently I needed it. To have a few moments, that was dedicated to missing them.

I think part of my feelings are due to the fact that I feel like I have been pregnant forever, or trying to get pregnant forever. It has been over two years since we first started trying, and just this Thursday will I finally be hitting the third trimester. I have been pregnant three times in that 2 year time span, yet never have I gotten this far. That makes me so happy (that I am making it that far) and so very sad for those babies who never had a chance to get this far. And it reminds me how very much I miss them.

I in deeply in love with their little sister who is being a stinker and not kicking me very much today. But I miss them. I miss the dreams I had for them. The pictures I had in my head of what life would be like with each of them. How different our world would be right now if one or both of them were here. And yet, then I become torn, because without them, and without losing them, I wouldn't be getting my little Natalie bug here (please Lord, let us get to keep her!).

So, all this hodge podge of emotions and thoughts came to a head last night, and I just had a great big cry.

And the best part of that was, my sweet husband just curled up right next to me and held my hand and let me cry. He didn't need to ask what was wrong - he knew. He knew because he misses them too.

We miss you every single day angel babies.