May 28th

Dear Sweet Peanut,

I am writing to you today, instead of tomorrow, because I am not sure I will be able to get any words out tomorrow. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of when you left us. Some days it feels like years ago, and some days it feels like it was just yesterday. I still remember that day, oh so vividly.. almost too vividly. There are so many things about that day that I would change if I had the power to, most of all - to make you better and keep you forever.

On that day, one year ago, we said goodbye to you, our first baby. Our little girl. You were with us for 15 magical weeks. You defied odds and lived so much longer than any doctor thought you would. You were such a strong little girl. And ever a happy one. At least that is how I like to think. Every time we saw you on an ultrasound, you always waved your little hand at us.

We were in love with you before we even knew you were coming. The moment we saw the word "pregnant" on that stick, we were puddles of goo for you. We would have done anything for you. But in the end, it looks like you have done more for us. Which isn't the way that life is supposed to be, but we aren't going to take what you taught us for granted.

You taught your mommy and daddy to cling to each other. And we have. We love each other more deeply now than we ever could of before. We have survived together. We have known a love that created a perfect little girl. You have taught us to dream. We had so many dreams and plans for you. Your daddy started working on your room the day we found out about you. You have taught us to hope. I think this has been the hardest lesson for me, but I am getting there. You have taught us how precious life truly is, and what a miracle we all are. And most of all, you have taught us to be better people. To be more understanding, to see the hurt in people's eyes, and to feel their pain with them - because we know what it feels like when people abandon us in our pain - and we won't ever do that if we can help it.

You changed the world in your short little life. You have brought people into our lives that would never be here if it weren't for you. You have allowed people to open up their hearts and lives to us, that would have been too scared to before.

So much has happened in this last year that it is hard for me to even get my brain around it. But one thing has stayed the same, and that is the presence of you in our lives. You are in everything I do. You are everywhere I go. I take you with me, and I try to honor you in everything that I do. You are a constant source of hope and guidance for me - and oh what I would give to reverse our roles! When I am scared, you are who I talk to. When I need hope, I look for you, and there you are.

I would give up anything to be celebrating your 6 month birthday with you. I would do anything to be packing up your little baby stuff for our big move and getting so excited about how we would set up your new room. I would give anything for just one more day with you wiggling inside of me.

But instead, tomorrow we will be sending you (and your little sibling, of course) a note via balloons. Look for them OK? We want the heavens to know how special and loved you are. And on this Memorial weekend - you will be what we are remembering. You will be who we are missing.

A year ago today was the hardest day of our lives. Letting go of you was impossible to do, but somehow we had to. I want you to know that I still know what it feels like to have you inside of me. I still remember seeing your face on that little screen. I want you to know that your picture still sits on the nightstand, and your teddy bear still gets snuggled with. Your name is spoken every day. People know about you. People miss you. But none more than me and daddy. Every day sweet baby. You are loved every day.

Now, be a good girl up there. Be nice to your little sibling and give them lots of kisses and hugs for us. We will be up there someday to hold the two of you, and we cannot wait for that day. But in the meantime, know how much you are loved and missed. And know what a big part of our lives you will forever be.

Good night by sweet baby girl. Sweet dreams...

Love, Mommy