A year ago today - nothing would be the same

Dear Sweet Peanut,

Today was the day (May 5th technically, but it was a Tuesday), that changed our lives, one year ago. We had waited for this day. Your daddy and I were so excited. We would get to hear your little heartbeat for the first time! I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember how nervous I was about the appt. I remember talking to my co-workers and them being all excited for our big day. We had so many plans, once we got to hear your heartbeat. Daddy had the go-ahead to scream it from the rooftop. We were going to go out to dinner to celebrate, post something on facebook, and go hang out at our new favorite place - Babies R Us. But none of those things happened.

We walked into the exam room. I was told to change. Daddy was outside waiting with the video camera so he could capture it all. The tech came in and put the little doppler machine on my belly... and... nothing.... for what seemed like an eternity. Daddy stopped taping and help my hand instead. We started crying... but then we heard it... whoosh, whoosh, whoosh... A strong heartbeat!!! Were you hiding in there? Daddy got the video camera back out and also recorded your heartbeat on his phone, so he could listen to it wherever he was. All three of us in the room started crying. Sigh - first hurdle down (which, before that day, I didn't know was a hurdle...). The doctor came in and told us we could get an ultrasound if we wanted... OF COURSE!

And then it happened... the world stopped moving. At least our world did. And today was the day that we would never be the same, it good ways and in bad. All I remember was the words "fluid" and me, with my very limited knowledge... knew that wasn't good. I remember crying lots, daddy crying lots, and being taking into an exam room, where our soon-to-be favorite doctor came in and consoled us. She sent me for blood work, and to see a specialist in the morning. It was going to be the longest day of our lives.

I went to get my blood work and couldn't control the sobbing. I didn't care if people thought I was crazy. The poor lab tech kept telling me it would be OK - this was a routine test after all. Yes, for many it is... for us, we would never get the results of that test.

We went home and had to make those phone calls. We had to break the hearts of people who were so excited to meet our little Peanut in November.

I didn't sleep that night. I was up all night researching on the computer, praying that there was a cure or something to tell me you were going to make it.

A year ago today, baby girl, we didn't know you were a baby girl. Daddy had a gut feeling and always said "she or her" when talking about you (which was all the time). My gut told me you were a girl too... and I guess we were both right.

If things had gone differently. If one year ago today, we were one of the lucky ones who go into an ultrasound room, and come out smiling, our world would be so different today. Last night, I laid on the couch and was thinking about you. Your daddy was sound asleep.. and I thought about how quiet our house is. Too quiet. You would have been about 5.5 months old now. I don't know what that would be like, but I know that quiet probably wouldn't be one of the words.

You, and what happened on this day a year ago, have changed us so dramatically. In the time since you have been gone, which is almost a year, there have been lots of tears, a few smiles, some happy moments, and of course, your little sibling Pickle... which once again made our worlds fall apart.

I hope you know how desperately we love you and how badly we wanted to meet you, to raise you, to hold your hand and dry your tears. To make you giggle and give you everything this world has to offer. To teach you all sorts of fun things, to show you the world. To one day watch you grow into a woman, and walk down the aisle with the love of your life. We had a lifetime worth of dreams for you, that one year ago, slipped out of our hands.

We will never be the same. And we wish, with all of our hearts, that you were here with us, changing us in different ways.

Be good up there baby girl. Dance around on the clouds. Laugh and giggle, and do all those things that we wished for you. And if you think of it... go knock on God's door and let him know that we are ready for your next little sibling. And can you ask him if, this time, we get to keep him/her?

We love you more than life and more than most people understand,

Love, Mommy and Daddy