"Oh Wait..."

A year ago today we found out our second pregnancy, our second baby, didn't make it past 7 weeks. To be honest, this is a weird place to be in today - being 2 days away from my due date with baby number 3. And remembering so clearly the moments of a year ago.

We went into the doctor for a regular appointment. They offered an ultrasound, which was our second with this baby. We had already seen the little heart beating away 2 weeks earlier. Leading up to this appointment though, I kept telling Matt that I didn't feel pregnant anymore. There were things that just felt different... So, we went into the same ultrasound room that we had been in before (too many times before) and the tech showed us the screen and said "There's the little heartbeat..... oh wait..." And our world crashed all over again.

I remember talking to the doctor after that and being given options - surgery, wait it out, take a pill.... yet I was still in denial. Couldn't the tech have been wrong?

I remember being walked out the back door. I hated that hallway and door. We had been walked out of it too many times. I so desperately wanted to go out the front door, with a smiling face, and not avert my eyes from all the other happy-happy pregnant ladies in the waiting room. I am thankful that they didn't make me parade pass those other women... but I still hated that door.

I remember getting in the car with Matt and just screaming "This cannot be happening again!"

I remember Matt making those phone calls, again, to our family and friends - but this time... they hadn't known we were pregnant.

It took me a month to miscarry that little one when it finally ended with me needing surgery.

And here I am, two days away from being due with a sweet little girl who would never have existed if it weren't for Peanut and Pickle. Especially if not for Pickle.

Pickle was our Christmas miracle baby - one that we had so much hope for. The one that was going to bring us back from the dead, not knock us down all over again. The one who had a big sister looking over him/her in heaven. The one that would have been born on Labor Day weekend.

To my dear sweet Pickle,

We only knew about you for a month - but that month was filled with so much hope, and of course, so many worries. When we saw your heart beating for the first time, it was such a magical sight. I hope you know how very much you were prayed for, how very much you were wanted and loved. And I hope you know how thankful we are for hand picking your little sister for us. As we are just days away from meeting her, I hope you and your big sister are up there looking down on us and making sure everything goes OK. And I hope you know that we will always honor your memory by being the best parents we can be. We are so blessed to have two such special angels in heaven - although you know what we would give to have you in our arms instead. Thank you for all you have taught us this last year, and what you will continue to teach us every day of our lives. We love you so much! And miss you every single day.

Love, Mommy

So, part of me is really hoping that Bug doesn't come today - but if she does, I know that it is because we were meant to have this day turned into a day of happiness, instead of one remembering such sorrow. And if she doesn't come today, then it was meant to stay Pickle's special day.