Apparently, I forgot about one key piece that is in the after-math of losing a baby. Seeing as we have been through this once before, you would think I would remember, but I didn't. I was so proud of myself for the last month about how well I was handling all this. Kind of suprised that I was able to sleep and get up in the morning and be somewhat productive. And then this week it hit me - the hormones! Most people, the lucky ones, who were prengnant, and then suddently not anymore, mean that they have a healthy bundle of joy in their arms to help soften their moods and hormonal reactions. But the baby-lost, like me, still have those same fluctuations in hormones, just with nothing to show for it and nothing to soften the blow.

My poor husband has been getting the brunt of it this week. I will admit it - I am a mess. I am getting mad at the stupidest things and want attention then don't want it, then want it, then leave me alone. I am driving myself crazy! Not to mention poor Matt. And on top of it all, I can't seem to turn my brain off. I wake up halfway through the night and then fight to go back to sleep and shut my thoughts off, with little success. My parents got me a gift certificate for my bday to get a massage and I had it yesterday - it was fantastic! But, I couldn't shut my stupid thoughts up. There I am in my brain, telling myself to shut up, to quit arguing with whoever it is that I am arguing with at that moment in my head, to stop thinking about this huge report I have to do for work, to stop thinking about the next steps and the scarriness of it all, to stop thinking about the move and the lack of control I am going to have over it, to stop - just stop! But while I am telling myself to stop on one subject, I start thinking about another.. and the cycle continues. Sigh - where is that Xanax bottle the doctor prescribed?? Perhaps I need it after all.

It constantly amazes me when I find out day after day who is reading our blog. It makes my heart happy to know that people will take time out of their busy day to read a little piece of our lives!! I feel so honored, blessed, and lucky to have people who I haven't talked to in forever, send me sweet little notes to let me know that they are thinking/praying for us. And for those that are closest to me, thank you as well for reading along! You hear it on the phone, in my emails, etc, but you still read this little thing just to check in on us. Thank you! To all of you following along!

OK, time to get back to being mad, happy, mad, happy, angry, sad, excited... all in about a 15 minute time period. :) Good luck dear hubby! Just remember - I do come out of this at some point. Your wife will return to you at some point. I promise! I love you!