One Year Ago

One year ago today (technically it was March 12th, but it was this Thursday... so either way..), our lives changed. One year ago today, we became parents. I remember that day as if it happened 5 minutes ago.

It was a Thursday afternoon. I had gotten home from work, Matt had gotten home from class. He was bugging me to take a pregnancy test (in a very sweet way). I, the eternal pessimist, said fine, but I knew it was going to be negative, like all the the times before. Although, part of me was hopeful. I had this weird twing in my abdomin that had been there for a week or so... anyway, I went to the bathroom and took the test. I came back out and we waited a few minutes, nervous and scared (as we are every time I take a test!). Matt was standing in the kitchen. I walked into the bathroom and it said on tiny little word that changed everything... "Pregnant"... We immediately started crying! I started reading the insert in the home pregnancy test just to make sure that I wasn't reading it wrong... although, not sure how I could have as it wasn't lines, it actually said the word. We hugged, we cried, we smiled, we laughed. Matt of course wanted to scream it from rooftops.. but we didn't. Instead, we headed to target to buy more tests (just to make sure) and a few baby books. On that day, we got our first congratulations - from the Target check out lady.

We waited all of a week and a half to tell people. We told my parents by going over to their house for dinner. We told them that we got them something at Disney World (which we had been to the first week in March). I always joke with my parents about never taking me there as a child, so I told them we got them a picture of me and Mickey mouse. My mom opened up the present, and instead, it was a picture frame that said "Grandbaby - coming November 2009." My mom instantly cried, my dad had no clue what was going on until he read it... We told Matt's parents and sister the next day at a park in Marshall with the same type of picture frame. They were so excited! And we told my brother/sister-in-law and some of our closest friends. I think my favorite reaction was from Will. We were sitting in a local restaurant and Matt was joking about finding a girl for Will - and he said, ya, she will be here in 9 months. Will screamed, picked me up out of the chair, twirled me around, and announced to the entire restaurant that we were pregnant (I was silently praying that no one from work was there, we weren't ready to tell them yet.).

Looking back, I am glad we told people early. It gave them and us a chance to celebrate the life that was growing inside of me for all too short of a time. Our baby Peanut got lots of gifts and cards. It was an incredibly joyous time, that ended all too soon.

There is a lot I have learned over the last year. And there is a lot I am still learning. My heart breaks that in the last 12 months, I have been pregnant for half of them with two different babies, yet we are no closer to getting our dream. My heart breaks that we will never be able to have an innocent day like the one we had one year ago today. Even when we found out about Pickle, we were so excited, but yet fear set in as well. The days of innocence are gone. I think over the last year, I have become more understanding. I realize that people are walking around with a lot more than they let on sometimes. From these two experiences, I have been blessed with very deep, and meaningful conversations with people who I had never met before, or hadn't talked to in a decade or so. People have opened up their hearts and shared their stories with us, in ways that I don't think they ever would had we not gone through this. I have met amazing women, who have gone through so much, and deserve nothing more than to hold one of their children, yet can't get there. They are so strong, and so inspirational. I have been blessed with learning who my true friends are - the ones that can really be there when times get tough. I have learned that my marriage can survive anything now (not that I ever doubted that). This last year has reinforced the fact that I made the best decision of my life when I said "Yes" to that man on one knee asking me to marry him on top of a cold, dark mountain. I have learned that I cannot survive without him. I have learned that I need peoples help to get through this - although it is still hard to ask for it. I have learned that some people, they just don't know how to help. But there are others who will bend over backwards to do anything to ease just a tiny bit of our pain. I have learned that we can be parents even when our children are not here on Earth with us. I have learned that I wasn't always the most helpful to others when they were going through grief, but I am hoping now that I can be there for them more. I have learned that staying silent about something doesn't make it go away, and talking to someone about their grief doesn't remind them of it - it isn't something that people forget. But saying just a few words, even if it is "I don't know what to say" can mean the world to someone - as it does when someone says it to me.

There are still some things I am working on learning - like how to answer the question "do you have any children?" I am still learning to try to let go of pain that people have caused me throughout this. I am still learning to re-prioritize my life. I am still learning to let the little things go, which I remind myself of day in and day out. (Does it really matter that the dog got mud all over the inside of the car? No - I am just glad she is here with me to get mud all over the car...). And I hope through all of this, when/if we ever get our dream, that we will be more patient, loving parents who take the time to cherish every minute of what we get with our kids. I hope that this last year has taught me to not complain about things - but to cherish things.

And for all of these things that we have learned or will learn in the future - there are two little angels in heaven that are the reason for that. And on this day, one year ago, that first little angel changed our life forever.

To my little girl - I so wish you were here with me, sitting on my lap, keeping me up at night, spitting up all over me, smiling at us, crying, cooing, and able to see how much your mommy and daddy love you. You forever changed us. Thank you for that baby girl. We love you more than you will ever know. And, on this day, you made us the happiest two people on earth when we found out you were growing inside of mommy. We miss you...