These were the words I heard as a nurse called me to tell me my latest lab results (which, incidentally, were only taken a few hours before! How about that for fast turn around!)... The nurse who has been following us since day one of Pickle's journey said these words. "Congratulations, It's Over!" I know what she meant... physically, there is not a test in the world that would say that I was pregnant right now. And the congratulations were due to the fact that this miscarriage took forever. But this is far from over... emotionally that is. In fact, this isn't something that is ever over. This just IS. This is my new normal, this is the new me. Yes, I am sure, with time, the good will, once again, outweigh the bad just as it was starting to after we lost Peanut. But even the loss of our first lil one isn't over. But it truly is a funny thing to "celebrate." Yay!, my levels are down and yes, in fact, there are officially no physical signs that Pickle ever existed...?? No, I don't think so. As weird as it sounds, the fact that the miscarriage took so long was OK with me. I got to keep a little piece of our second baby for a while longer. But - now, almost two weeks after my surgery, even my hormones don't remember that little one.
So, now I wander into the hospital to get a large assortment of tests tomorrow, with my blood being sent all the way to Mayo and back. And I pray to God in the week in between that nothing comes of those tests. Or, if it does, it is easily fixable. I truly cannot handle anymore bad news right now. I really really can't.
Over? ... Not even close dear sweet nurse, not even close...
((hugs))
ReplyDeletei had a clotting disorder myself...never had any m/c but had 3 early deliveries...if you want someone to talk to, i'm here.