I Am Normal

... or at least according to my labs... my blood work was normal. That is a good thing, says sweet nurse on the phone.

Honestly, I thought I would be happier. Because it is good news! But I am also a control freak, and now there is nothing to fix. This really was all chance (at least according to these labs. I am sure there are a ton more tests we could get..). But when you are struck by lightning twice in one year, percentages don't mean anything. Having a less than 1% chance of this happening a second time, means nothing, when it does happen a second time. Yes, they very well could be two separate flukes... yes, they could have absolutely nothing to do with eachother... but again, that doesn't help me either. Because, what if the third time, a third thing that we didn't see coming goes wrong? I really didn't think it would happen a second time. When we got pregnant and found out on Christmas morning- I thought, what a great sign that was! Peanut's Christmas present to us - a baby sibling!! And there were other signs too... but apparently, I just wanted to see that everything would be alright. I am scared to death about the next few months, or however long it takes. I can't lose another one... I can't!!! And that is a lot of pressure to put on a little baby that is smaller than the size of the period at the end of this sentence. That is a lot of pressure to put on us too. I try not to think about it... but at this point, I am desperate.. all I want is a baby. I never in my life thought that that would be too much to ask for. Never. And I really pray that it isn't...

Normal....?? My blood may be... but I don't think I will ever be "normal" again...