Well, we officially got the green light today to try again. And our plan of attack will be set in motion shortly. I am partly extremely excited and kind of hopeful, but partly EXHAUSTED at the thought of trying and worrying and counting and praying and worrying alllll over again. Although, I know in the end, all those feelings will be worth it if I get to hold a little baby.
As we were sitting in the waiting room, drinking our coffee (mine was decaf, but the happy little pregnant girls didn't need to know that - I brought it in because that is the ONLY thing I can rub in their faces right now. I know, I'm a brat!), we watched these two couples, who were practically bouncing in their seats with excitement. All 4 of them had these goofy, happy smiles on their faces. It actually made me cry to see. I prayed to God that they would leave with those same, goofy smiles. And I was also jealous - because we were once like that. About a year ago we were the slap happy, annoying couple in the waiting room thinking our world couldn't be shattered, and wouldn't be shattered. It feels like just yesterday, but at the same time, feels like a lifetime ago that we had those feelings. I pray that those two couples will be able to go on being naive and innocent. What a blessing it is that they get to be that way, and I bet they don't even realize it. I hope they don't take it for granted. Because I know so many people who would give up everything (us included) to have that feeling again. Instead of the fear, the grief, the sadness, the worry that we now live with. If/When we do get pregnant again - I know it will be even more guarded than last time. And that saddens me.
With my first pregnancy, I knew exactly how far along I was, and when we lost Peanut, I knew exactly how far along I SHOULD have been. I had the entire year planned out in my head. I would (or should have been) huge at my brother's wedding. I should have have had a baby at Thanksgiving and Christmas. We would have been doing this and that during this summer. Every event in our life somehow revolved around where I would be in the pregnancy and what it would look like once she was here. So, needless to say, when we lost her, it made for an impossible year. Even the happy things, like my brother's wedding, and all the other weddings we went to, weren't the same because they weren't the way it should have been, or the way we pictured it.
When we found out I was pregnant again, I of course knew my due date (Sept. 5th - Labor Day weekend) but I was holding off on making any of those plans. I still made some though, because, seriously, it couldn't happen twice right? I think that is part of the reason why I don't feel as attached to Pickle. Is that awful? It feels awful. It is not that I am not and was not attached to my little bean... it's just, I couldn't let myself go there. And I know if we get pregnant again, I will be even more guarded...
So, I sat in that waiting room, knowing exactly what was going through their heads. Knowing those goofy smiles and jittery feelings that they were experiencing. And I was so jealous. For I know, that from here on out, those ultrasounds and doctor appts. will never be exciting for us. Even if they are good news, I know that more bad news could be right around the corner. I know that, and I hate that - I don't want to be a pessimist. But when you get dealt blow after blow in an area that is supposed to come so naturally, it makes you realize that there are not guarantees in life.
So, to the two happy, bouncy couples that we saw for a mere 5 minutes today - CHERISH it! Every minute of it! Realize how lucky you are and don't take one ounce of good news for granted. I know we never, ever, will.
No comments:
Post a Comment