Anyone want to fly away with me to a tropical location? I am in desperate need of a break. Before I get into that... I just wanted to say thanks to those that wished me a happy birthday here, on the phone, or on facebook! I definitely felt loved. Hubby and I worked a while in the morning, I played with my presents, and then we went and saw Valentine's Day in the evening and out to dinner with my family to a hibachi restuarant. It was a ton of fun! It was great to get out. And I was actually feeling quite OK yesterday, only mild cramps.
I had a stupid physical this morning - so I could get a note I needed for work, but spent most of the time crying to the nurse practitioner.... I can't help but cry in the doctor's office. On my way to drop Matt off at work, I got a call from my OB/GYN... apparently the tissue sample that we dropped off on Monday was only blood clots... which means we either missed what they need to test (which I doubt) or I haven't fully miscarried. Great... So, I have to go in tomorrow for yet another ultrasound and I am sure more bad news, with the possibility that they will force me to have a D&C or I will have to take more of the Cytotec, which isn't pleasant in any way.
Today, I just feel beaten down. I hate feeling this way. I hate being moppy (not Moopy, moppy - to mope.... ). I am not normally a sad person, but I feel sad. I feel like I haven't gotten one single break through any of this pregnancy related stuff in the last year. Well, let's be honest.. I haven't gotten a single break... So, I think my feelings are justified. I am just ready to move on though. I want to be able to go to the fertility doctor, have them do a million tests on me, and somehow give me a healthy pregnancy so we can move on. I have felt stuck for the last year. And I don't feel any closer to getting what we so desperately want. I actually feel further away. I feel like my body is betraying my heart. I have no energy to do anything. I don't want to get off the couch. I don't want to go out into the world - because happy, naive, pregnant women are out there parking in their happy "Expectant Mommy" parking spots with their happy "baby on board" stickers on their car, rubbing their large bellies in my face (even though my brain knows they aren't. The rational side of me is so happy for these strangers that they are getting what they want. The emotional side of me though hates them... all of them..as their waddles remind me of what I don't have). So, here I am to vent. I am angry and sad and depressed.
However, on a postive note, I may get a massage tonight at my SHARE support group meeting... and if not, at least I know I will be surrounded by women and their husbands who understand and have been there. And I will be able to cry and sit there with snot on my face and be OK with that. Because everyone else in the room looks the same... So, here we go. A girl who used to be terrified of the doctor is going back for my millionth appt tomorrow - please, let whatever needs to happen happen between now and then so I can hear some sort of good news (however "good" it is to hear that your baby is no longer inside of you...).
If you need me, you can find me pouting on the couch and trying to focus on work...
Love, Eeyore
A break is well needed. A break from doctors, a break from life, a break from disappointing news. Plus... I wish the OBGYN had two separate waiting rooms.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Matt on the two seperate waiting rooms. Reminds me of my therapists office, I have to walk past an OBGYN office with glass windows to get there. How cruel.
ReplyDeleteYou both deserve a break or some good news. You have a very good reason to feel down - any woman would feel down. I don't understand how people who don't want children can get pregnant and have it all work out that they have a healthy baby and a beautiful couple who want a baby so badly is having the problems you are?? I wish I had the answer to that but I don't. It is very frustrating and depressing. I know I am just the mom / mother-in-law but I do feel your pain because they were my grandchildren that I will never get to hold and spoil - I feel it too (not as badly as the two of you but I do feel the pain and depression also).
ReplyDeleteKnow that there are a lot of people who love you and are praying for you. If you need anything at all - you know you can call me right?
Love
Mom